Smartasses

Simply loved this one:
If the person who actually created this lands here, please pass your source link so I can give credits.

24

There is a this very new feeling about being 24 that 23 wasn't. A world layered with chaos seems to be more uniform.. uniformly full of chaos that is. Ideals are fading as my concerns now circle closer to me. It all makes sense with my span of vision cut short.

The sense, is this: While Noah had his storm and Anne Frank had a Nation, I have a barrier of the colossal human ineptitude. It's a fair enough arena I guess. You know you don't belong here, but there is little left to explain. Accept the bloody dual offered and jump in. Resistance is futile.

On the other hand I could still be the victim of a superiority complex. I don't make sense to you, do I? I'm 24. Just wait till you see me 25.

Scent of the lesser evil

I never really trusted Saudi Arabia to truly represent Islam, but this is the closest to dilapidation that it can get. According to Islam (ahem), an unmarried woman is not allowed to accompany a man alone who is not a close family member or her husband. So obviously, Saudi Arabia, being an Islamic country, claims it upheld the laws of the Sharia while allowing the rape to simply pass by as an inevitable mishap and direct result of such an outrage of morals. The rapists walk free. Disgusted, are you? I doubt.

Truth be told, too often have we seen acts of the lesser evil being placed under the axe while the larger crimes pass by us right under our nose, to be surprised. Small time fry lie behind bars while the bigger fish rule countries. Paintings are being banned while female labourers still carry bricks during pregnancy for the lack of options. Why?

The lesser evil has a stench. It's new to us, sometimes at least, we recognize it and we don't like it. So we give all that we have to clean it. A perfume spray on the skin to hide the fact that the source of the stench still remains. The dirt which is all over us. That is a part of us, within us. So closely have we been bonded with the greater evil, so vastly has it creeped into our system that all we can do is ignore it, if not like it.

So I will pay my bribe of 100 bucks for my passport verification because I have to, but will fight for the one rupee change that the auto driver refuses to give, because I have to. Pass on the deodorant.

PS: This happens to be my 100th post on Lalbadshah's Domain. Yay!
By the way, I learnt this new smiley that I've started to use very often. _|_ . Cool eh?

Random Rhetorical Question 4

Why won't she die?!

(Oh, in case you don't know, see here.)

Angry Again

Yet another bout of what now seems to be an annual ritual of battling the beast called CAT has passed. Yet another situation which the great Crime Master Gogo would describe as: "Haath ko aaya, mu na lagaya" (Came to hand, didn't touch mouth). Yet again, I scream at myself for existing in a parallel universe where my "verbal ability" doesn't quite match up to the norms of the rest of this insufferable human populace.

As much as I am torn between different explanations for my itch to do this again and again, ranging from a yearning to play the lead role in the cage to grabbing a chance to make a quick buck, I take solace in the googletalk status message of my Zen fundae loaded friend :

"In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't fucking matter!"

Tell me it's true and I'll believe it.

At least I tried

Techie Trick No. 969 to hook a girl:

Hunt down female bloggers on Orkut by searching for "female blogger bangalore" and leave comments on the commendable posts by praising their ideas or cracking a good joke, hoping that they will trace you back and would want to meet you. This is essentially taking the "i wants franship" scraps, which they claim to hate so much, to the next level.

General Verdict: It still doesn't work man!

It's in the papers!

Lalbadshah is a stud. We now have evidence. I was featured in The Sunday Times (Bangalore Edition on page 12). Needless to say, me being a humble citizen and all, turned around the conversation which was primarily intended to be between me and the cute journalist, into a general chat about Mensa.

Here's a pic from the article. Feed on the glory of my image, infidels! Yes Yes! Hah! Fame, Power, Money! It will all be mine! *evil Calvinesque laugh*

Watch carefully as I exude charm and confidence while the cute journalist (not seen in the pic) is already swaying due to a certain weakness in the knees. Everyone around me is evidently mesmerised. The very next minute they all bow down and worship me, including the cameraman, which is why there is no photographic evidence for the same. You have to take my word for it. Which you will.

Also note the brilliant product placement of my 'Volga' helmet(certified by ISI and in good shape since 1999) which has been strategically positioned so as to prove my endorsement of safe riding and help troubled teenagers as a better role model to admire and emulate rather than a gay looking topless Shah Rukh Khan.

(Link to the page that carries the article here.)

A difference

Annie Zaidi writes about growing up as an Indian Muslim. As I read it, I saw the story of my own life unfold on the screen and I'm quite sure that I'm the only one to feel so.

I've noticed that these things happen to you at the most unlikely times by the most unexpected people.

My English lecturer in Christ College, during Std.12 once caught me looking in another direction. He asked me to stand up and tell my name.
"Ali".
"Full Name?"
"Mohammed Ali."
"Mohammed Ali Jinnah, right?"

I can't remember the faces of most people in my class. But that incident, that man, that question, I will never forget. Precisely the reason why we need to stop inheriting bullshit.

Do read Annie's post. It's beautiful.
(Came across the link at IndiaUncut.)

On Rajyothsava

Contrary to my prediction more than a year ago, The Gowda Dynasty, what with all the switching sides faster than (insert funny simile here), has recently performed a political ejaculatio praecox which undoubtedly marks the end to their regime within a couple of years, whatever be the outcome of the current turmoil. Its open declaration of "Balls to promises, we're just not done swallowing the state coffers yet" attitude has given more weight to my argument that democracy is a farce.

A person who has been the Prime Minister of the country is expected to consider such bitter squabbles not worthy of his attention unless its due to:
a) The onset of senility, which comes rather early to politicians.
b) He forgot to spank a particular Ex-Chief Minister in his childhood.

Both plausible reasons, but still, I see no alternatives, nor hope for a better solution. No elections means that Yedi, who was last seen begging on streets for justice, would pound on what's left of my tax contributions like an unfed mongrel for the next 2 years or so. Elections would require of the Congress to put up someone much more charming than the dead pan Dharam Singh, who has fewer facial expressions than Himesh Reshammiya's behind.

Yet another year has passed as Karnataka celebrates its Rajyothsava today. The roads are still bad, software engineers still complain and I'm still single. As always, the government is to blame.

Muted

Dear Deaf Old World,

If I wanted to tell, would you really listen?
Or would you pretend, as you always have
to understand life through filters
of shattered beauty and faulty reason.

Yours Truly,
Muted.

Radio-in-my-head

Radiohead's new album In Rainbows is making records of sorts with their unique marketing and distribution strategy. Releasing it as a free download version on the internet, they have given the option to their listeners to pay whatever they felt the artist deserves, including nothing. Not too surprisingly, the venture has turned out to be pretty successful with more than a million downloads in the first week itself and counting!

My addiction to music comes in phases where I simply get hooked on to a song or a band and these phases seem to come in cycles. Currently I'm back, floating yet again in the Radiohead Realm. They have always occupied a unique position in my Altar of Kickass Music along with U2, Pearl Jam, Tori Amos and a very few select others. With that weird yet-so-sensible lyrical sense that has only PJ to match, their music has inspired several other newer groups such as Coldplay and Travis.

Karma Police is arguably their best song and by default, one of my top 10 (I shall put up this list here someday). If you haven't yet heard the song, do sample it in the form of this brilliant video:



Lyrics and a few facts about the song. (Still can't help listening to this one yet again.)

Oh, while you're at it, do check out Fake Plastic Trees , Paranoid Android (NSFW) and of course, the more famous Creep. All magnificent pieces of work. In Rainbows is no less. Download it, and judge it on your own.

The Fallacy of Inheritance

A year ago my father picked up a huge argument with my neighbour whose coconut tree was generously shedding massive branches on our rooftop. Silly argument, but that lead to a cold war of sorts between them. They own a really annoying dog and do not have a hot daughter, so obviously I sided with my father and contributed to the continued detachment that existed between us.

Now, my sister who came down a month ago, wasn't really aware of the situation and went straight to their house to give them chocolates. The neighbouring aunt, in return, was genuinely nice to her and spoke to her like a long lost niece. While analyzing the situation it struck to me that although I knew what had occurred between my father and them, my sister didn't, which was the primary reason why things got better between us.

Extending the analysis, what I'm trying to prove, is that we take a lot from our parents and elders while we are/were young. Not just their physical attributes but their ideas and ideologies too are defaulted to us. This is good to an extent as we do need morals, but along with that come their subtle hints of biases, contrived reasoning and faulty logic. Face it, nobody has the ideal ideals.

The current Indian generation for example, has been unfortunate in a sense to have had to rub shoulders with those who actually witnessed the Partition and hence have a deep rooted hatred for their neighbours which makes them blind to all possible reasoning behind the cause and insist that everything evil stems from the other side of the fences. Worse is the fact that a huge chunk of the younger generation inherits this hatred and laps it up without hesitation and questions. Education today involves solving math problems and not questioning the ideas of the teacher about the preferred form of governance. What people need is unlearning and rethinking of possibilities. Surely, some logic has survived in all of us. This, again unfortunately, seems to come to less than 10% of the populace and hence will really take hundreds of years before the bias is wiped clean from living memory.

The same reasoning holds when I say that as Indians, unlearning must be promoted when it comes to caste, corruption and the myriad ancient inherited concepts. Sadly, to unlearn, we need guides who will volunteer to admit that what they have been preaching all their life is sheer bullshit and must be forgotten. Which, in itself, is too far fetched to even hope for.

Random Rhetorical Question 3

Closing line from Civil War - Guns n' Roses :-

What's so civil about war anyway?

Celebrations

As I exhibit appalling levels of gluttony while feasting on Sheer Khorma, Katheeragun Sherbet, Biryani and other assorted delicacies, here's wishing you and your family..

Eid Mubarak!!

For the uninitiated, Eid marks the end of Ramzan, which is a month where all Muslims observe fasting and practice constraint and control in every human tendency such as hunger, thought, speech and actions. The Prophet once said that a man who can control the two troublesome muscles, one between his lips and the other between his legs, is worth much respect. The first, I tried my best. As for the latter, I didn't have to try too hard. See? There are advantages of being 23 and Single.

Nightmares

I've always considered myself to a be a fearless guy. Seriously. Stop laughing. Surely I had to be. I watched The Exorcist at the age of 14 and frankly found it boring and gross while my peers narrated to me in hushed tones of people who pissed in multicolor and died in fits of spasms post watching the same. I relished reading vampire and werewolf stories and more often than not sided with the creatures of the night. I even moaned their killing with not-so-uber-cool weapons such as garlic sauce when they definitely deserved a more fitful ending. A lot of that has changed since last Tuesday.

The wailing started at around 1:30 AM. It was clear, shrill and bang outside my bedroom window. It was the sound of mixed emotions. The two women (there were two different pitches) seemed to be in alternating throes of pain and pleasure. Lesbian banshees were never really a part of my fantasies hence it wouldn't be an exaggeration if I said that I was shitting bricks. And all my planning at nights of how I would unleash a kung fu storm in case of such an eventuality came to naught as I simply lay frozen on my bed.

This continued for about 15 full minutes before I could hear my parents in the hall mumbling about neutering all cats. Cats. The integral component of my worst nightmares second only to crocodiles as my primary nocturnal foes. Nevertheless, I was forced to go out with a bucket of water in hand to throw at two mangy cats that were humping away like there was no tomorrow. My neighbours soon joined me in this grand act of what could scientifically be called as enforcus coitus interuptus.

As I got back to bed I realised how shaken I really was. It wasn't just the cats. I'm almost 24 and am supposed to stand up and defend my house no matter what. With my now aged parents, sister and 4 year old niece in the house, I was supposed to guard them while I was actually playing chicken in bed. What if it were indeed a violently horny pair of lesbian banshees? What would you do?

Cute Baby Pics

Helping ugly girls create Orkut profiles since 2004.

Dullness

Many have mentioned that my posts have gotten real boring. I agree. I have this mental block that's stopping me from doing anything more than the banal.

I told a friend that I feel like I need a bungee jump. From a great height. I feel if the shock is great enough, I will dump all that pisses me off below at point 0 and swing back up free. Forgive me. A recovery attempt is on the cards, I promise you that. But for now, I really can't do much.


Wake me up when September ends.

Rediff Message Boards

A comment post - T20 World Cup Finals:

it is stupidity of illiterate people ,, follow the example of australia, newzealand,, how they are cooll
by Bhupinder Singh on Sep 25, 2007 10:39 AM | Hide replies

south easter asian coutries are fool , bunch of fool, they are getting excited by the media and m n c to sell their product and create furore and excitement in their mind , cricket is not life, it is j ust fun and part of game, one lose and one win,,,we should take it friendly,,, not burning, abusing and slandering anyone,,pakistan are worse criminal for disobaying the humanright of minority, women and children,,,,

Yeah. How they are cool.
--

Yet another comment/spot quiz:

game
by raghunatha shetty k on Sep 25, 2007 01:50 AM | Hide replies

which is the game in which looser & gainer will feel happy after end of the game.?

raghunatha shetty K

Answerer will be gainer and not looser.

Oh btw, WE WON!! Brilliant match it was.

Random Rhetorical Question 2

Just because I believe in fate, do I have to be comfortable not knowing what it is?

Ghost

Neil Gaiman writes a chilling yet reassuring piece on why Ghost Stories still have relevance in the 21st Century:

Technology does nothing to dispel the shadows at the edge of things. The ghost-story world still hovers at the limits of vision, making things stranger, darker, more magical, just as it always has ....

There’s a blog I don’t think anyone else reads. I ran across it searching for something else, and something about it, the tone of voice perhaps, so flat and bleak and hopeless, caught my attention. I bookmarked it.

If the girl who kept it knew that anyone was reading it, anybody cared, perhaps she would not have taken her own life. She even wrote about what she was going to do, the pills, the Nembutal and Seconal and the rest, that she had stolen a few at a time over the months from her stepfather’s bathroom, the plastic bag, the loneliness, and wrote about it in a flat, pragmatic way, explaining that while she knew that suicide attempts were cries for help, this really wasn’t, she just didn’t want to live any longer.

She counted down to the big day, and I kept reading, uncertain what to do, if anything. There was not enough identifying information on the Web page even to tell me which continent she lived on. No e-mail address. No way to leave comments. The last message said simply, “Tonight.”

I wondered whom I should tell, if anyone, and then I shrugged, and, best as I could, I swallowed the feeling that I had let the world down.

And then she started to post again. She says she’s cold and she’s lonely.

I think she knows I’m still reading ....

I guess you wouldn't believe me if I said that I'm not who you think I am, would you? No. I don't think I can pull it off.

Read the full article here.

Robert Jordan passes away

The man who gave the world 'The Wheel of Time' series died yesterday, 16th of September 2007.

I'm currently into the 6th book in his series of 11. Although the series remains unfinished, I will read the rest of it whether or not the publishers manage to come out with the 12th final installment based on his notes that he left by in case of this eventuality. As an ode to the man who gave me a tale beyond all mythologies and legends. Rest in Peace, Dragon.

The Wheel of Time turns, and Ages come and pass, leaving memories that become legend. Legend fades to myth, and even myth is long forgotten when the Age that gave it birth comes again. In one Age, called the Third Age by some, an Age yet to come, an Age long past, a wind rose.... The wind was not the beginning. There are neither beginnings nor endings to the turning of the Wheel of time.
But it was a beginning.

Victims?

Seriously. Why should the students be involved in this be called 'victims'?

Race

Running along the tracks of Saturn's rings,
I jogged from stone to stone till I leaped over
to Andromeda and back.
I stretched out while on a ride upon Haley
breathing out Aurora Borealis.
Heavy Breath. Radiating Breath.
Listening to the celestial symphony
that floats on Qausar radio waves.
Warm up.
Paused for a drink at the Great Dipper
before dashing off into a sprint
racing into the Crab Nebula
and beyond.
Timing myself. Waiting for an Event Horizon
So I could just about slip past Light.
Slip past Time herself,
Into the grave of vision.
Into the cradle of all life.
Into the Black Hole.
And back.
I lose again.

Facebook

Source : http://xkcd.com/300/
Brilliant cartoons. I suggest you go through the others.

I'm Thinking

As Destiny and Fate weave deceitful illusions of a future sparkling with hope, it's bad enough that we burn our souls today for a tomorrow that will not be. Worse is the fact that we simultaneously reach out to the comforting void of yesterday that just isn't there. In this perpetual balancing act, what is lost forever, is the meaning of the word 'Now'.

It's surprising when you realise that 'The Moment' has no weight of it's own without Consequences or Regrets. Whoever told you that he 'lived for today', lied. There is no life structure without a foundation or a purpose. Whether this is a good thing or not and your decision to believe this notion or dismiss it is your choice. As the Oracle says in The Matrix, "Because you didn't come here to make the choice. You've already made it. You're here to try to understand why you made it."

Disclaimer: No I have not lost my mind. Not yet anyway. Why? Screw you!I too have the right to be philosophical sometimes!

Find the tiger in this video

Spot it, before it spots you.


Yeah, you morons! There's a reason why Rudyard Kipling has dedicated thousands of pages to this magnificent animal. Reminds me of the time I spotted two in the open. Not much of an encounter though, else I wouldn't be alive to tell you that.

Update: Watch the full video here but there's nothing much that you could have missed. The above clip captured the essence of it. The complete story behind the incident is here.

Transformers

I entered the movie hall with my fingers crossed, hoping, like every other Transformers fan worth his salt, that Micheal Bay hasn't ruined our collective childhood memories.. and I was not disappointed. The movie stood up to my expectations and more. The graphics were mind blowing and the pace was a bit faster than required to hold your attention. And why not? If you had only 2 hours to compact almost 20 years of legendary entertainment, you would do the same.

For the uninitiated, Transformers is about a constant battle between the good Autobots and the evil Decepticons from the planet Cybertron which is destroyed by their battle and are forced to continue their war on Earth. Both sides have shape shifting abilities and each has a unique vehicle/Jet avatar along with their true robot form. The leader of the Decepticons is Megatron, an uber cool Evil Overlord who is the most dangerous of them all and also slightly more powerful than Optimus Prime, General of the Autobots. The Autobots ally with a bunch of kids on earth and continue their efforts of protecting humans from being wiped out by Decepticons.

Sure, the movie did have it's standard cliches that action movies always have. Honour, Glory, Sacrifice and a tear wrenching scene as the hero tells his girl to wait for him. Oh, by the by, the Girl in question is Megan Fox. Hot in every sense, she was the final piece in the jigsaw pattern of every male's fantasy movie: Gun's, Cars, Jets, Robots and a Hot chick who can tune her own engine. Is there anything else a guy can ask for from a movie?

You can learn more about Transformers, their history and each character in detail from here.

Eclectica

Eagerly awaiting the release of these movies. That is, unless they all die a premature death as have most other ambitious Comic-to-Movie projects. Johnny Depp as Sweeney Todd would be most interesting.

Tickets for Transformers lie in my wallet. Tomorrow's show. Review will be posted. I promise.

I don't know how many of you have heard of 'The Wheel of Time' series. What with all the Harry Potter hype that tramples over the now fading glory of the LOTR series, this is a must read. It is quite obvious where J.K. Rowling gets her inspiration from and at the same time you cannot ignore the the influence of Tolkien's works in the series. The difference being, the plot is way more complex. The characters are much more detailed and a lot more human than in the other two series but yet never slow enough for you to take a break. I'm already into the second book in the series of 11 and counting. Start on it asap if you're a HP and LOTR fan.


I hear rumours in my office that we're all to soon shift from our current location, prime of Hosur road and 100 mts from Forum to Sarjapur road by next month. That makes my travel from home to work extend from 2kms to 10kms. Curse them bastards! There is a meeting now with a 'General' agenda where I will be told of this blasphemy. Officially. I wonder if they realize that almost every time we know whatever is to be announced in these meetings. Damn!

Random Rhetorical Question

Could it be that most of you are unpardonable imbeciles or do I suffer from a superiority complex?

What I wanted

Hordes run down.
In multitudes they swarm.
But I, looked all the time
at the path less trodden.
Would be cool they said.
A bored programmer,
pummeling the skies in a 747.
0.8 mach. As fast as they get these days.
A strict medical test.
A mildly defective gene.
A hundred colour vision tests.
We're not so sure they said.
We know you're ok
but need substantial evidence.
Substantially evident assholes.
I'm not so disappointed I think
As long as you had a shot,
You've lived just that longer.
But it was your dream you tell me
Great people have said the same,
Follow your dreams.

In the end, perhaps I mixed up my dreams..
Maybe I didn't really want to be a pilot.
Maybe... Just maybe..
I simply wanted to fly.
Maybe someday I will.

For those of you who haven't heard, yes I tried to change professions. Went through a series of medical tests and discovered that I'm mildly colour blind. Genetic defect. It's still under accepted limits but this small thing is making me go mad conducting tests for senile Air Force doctors. Seems like I'm fighting a losing battle. It's still not over though and I really wonder why.

Faces and Stereotypes

Japan - East Asia












Indian - South Asia











Armenia - West Asia









Sri Lankan - South Asia








Israel - West Asia










Iraq - West Asia













Kazakhstan - Central Asia














Now, go to google images and search for 'Asian face' , 'Asian male' or 'Asian female'. Look at the faces. You see what I see?


On an aside, check this out. Interesting numbers.

On Fleeting Fame and Misc.

It has been about 20 days since my controversial post propelled me to instant albeit temporal fame on the blogosphere. For statistics' sake you can see this. The small spike on 17th is about the average number of hits I get everytime I publish a new post while the numbers in the beginning are all due to hits from Indiauncut, Instapundit and several other blogs whom I thank profusely for helping spread the word about what exactly I, along with more than a million Indian Muslims, felt about everything.

The comments were varied. While most were supportive and appreciated my stand, quite a few were skeptical about the whole issue while others were just abusively stupid. And oh, I finally managed to get my first death threat after which I felt like someone really important and realized what a kick it is to know that there are people out there waiting to get to you. I'm serious! Although the original comment was deleted, here is what it said:

You should watch what you say. You may be next. Placing your selfish desires to live with the kufir over Islam could get you hurt.

As they call it in messaging parlance, I was ROTFL. Needless to say, the comment was anonymous and I didn't bother tracking the IP.

Anyway, what I really wanted to say is this: Fame is fleeting and that's a very good thing. A large number of people observing you can be nerve wrecking and I am not yet ready to write for an audience ( possibly a cliche often deployed by aspiring but unsuccessful authors). I still write for myself, a sort of a diary if you may call it. But on that day I will admit that I felt like Shilpa Shetty who shot to instant global fame post-BigBrother. One hit wonders like Rahul Roy and Kumar Gaurav could also be mentioned. What followed, as you can see in the graph, made me realise that you ride on a wave of popularity for a short while till it ebbs towards the shore leaving behind nothing but blurred lines on the sand along with a vague sense of familiarity. And when you return back to frivolity, the ripple yearns to rise again and possibly kiss Richard Gere only to lose itself in the ocean of other such ripples. Parveen Babi comes to mind. And so I say it once again:

Fame is fleeting and that's a very good thing.

But I'd hate to be a one hit wonder.

Reviews

After a long hiatus from books, I have been back to reading quite regularly of late and thought it would be worth recommending two particularly brilliant books:

Mother Night - Kurt Vonnegut (1961)

In the preface of this book, Vonnegut says that this is one of the few of his works with morals. One being "We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be" and the other is "Make love when you can. It's good for you".

It's the story of Howard W. Campbell Jr., an American working as a playwright in Nazi Germany where he plays an apparently big role in spreading the Aryan Propaganda on radio but is secretly an American spy. His public image forces him to say things he never really wanted to and is worshiped as a Nazi Hero, which he despises. But in the process of his real time performance he gets really cynical about the whole world. Particularly after losing his wife Helga with whom he describes his existence as "Nation of Two".

Mother Night is tragic and funny at the same time in trademark Vonnegut style.

"If you really want to hurt your parents and you don't have nerve enough to be homosexual, the least you can do is go into the arts."

Was short enough to be read during my to and fro flight duration from Bangalore to Delhi.
A must read.

PS: Later discovered that there is also a movie based on the book.

Lord of the Flies - William Golding (1954)

A haunting book that delves deep into the primitive human psyche that could never come out of social confines. It is an Allegory about the element of savageness that we all have which is depicted in the book in the form of a group of boys who survive a plane crash on a remote island. Their joy, fear and innocence slowly warps into a basal animal instinct that makes murderers out of regular school kids as they fight for their own survival. Scary as hell and deeply moving.

In a scene describing the boys hunting down a pig, the author puts down the theme of the book thus:

His mind was crowded with memories; memories of the knowledge that had come to them when they closed in on the struggling pig, knowledge that they had outwitted a living thing, imposed their will upon it, taken away its life like a long satisfying drink.

This is the book that got William Golding his Nobel and he deserves no less for such a masterpiece.

Dumb Fuckers

This is an open letter to all the UK/Scotland terrorists and their ilk:

Dumb fuckers!! WTF were you thinking? Sardar shabashi dega?? That you'll go straight to heaven?? Man! Not only did you fuck yourselves, you've got the eternal curse from every foreign visa aspiring Muslim who actually wants to do well in life. And just when I was beginning to realise that as Indian Muslims, we are doing pretty well upholding our credentials as peaceful folk, you had to go and fuck it all up!! You imbeciles don't even know what Jihad means.. wait.. I think you used the Oxford dictionary for the meaning. You see, the Oxford dictionary is for the meaning of words like 'cricket'.. 'Jihad' is not even an English word! Go frikkin read the Quran to know what jihad is first before defaming your religion so.. idiots! Jihad is not a war against non-believers, it is the act of fighting back when your religious rights are oppressed beyond tolerance.

See here for an excellent explanation of what Jihad means.

You weren't part of the armies attacked by the crusaders. You weren't in Iraq where your family would have been blown to pudding. You weren't in Lebanon where you wouldn't know if your roof would be torn apart the next second. Heck you weren't even in the country that banned Headscarves! You had everything going for you.. I mean wife, kids, parents, well to do families.. you bastards threw it all away! And for what?

Go hang yourselves!

PS: I know I had promised here and here that I would refrain from commenting on Religion. But as Al Pacino says, "Just when I want to walk out, they pull me back in!"

PS2: Comments are welcome as long as they come within the scope of a healthy arguments. Death threats will be deleted for obvious reasons.

PS3: Remember, I condemn attacks on innocents. Does not mean I'm not a Muslim. Duh.

How to kill a rat

Having recently murdered 4 rats at home in the span of 45 days, I believe I have gathered a crude form of expertise in the art of ending the miserable lives that these minuscule messengers of mayhem lead. This spree of rodenticide started due to a sudden surge in rat population in my neighbour's house following the migration of cats that used to hang around in the vicinity. Cats rock! I like lions. Do watch 'The Ghost and the Darkness'.

Anyways, here are some tips I have gathered thanks to my vast experience in handling rats (Yes. 4! How many you killed man?):

1. The rat is never where you think it is. In accordance with the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, the rat seems to have mastered the art of constant momentum and hence makes its presence in the most probable location infinitely improbable.

2. Open spaces. Rats hate open spaces. They're quite dumb. They just run from one end to another of open spaces with no aim in life. That's where they are most vulnerable.
That's where you kill them.

3. Arm yourself. No, a broomstick is a strict no no. The ideal weapon is a standard broad based size 8+ Hawai Chappal (rubber slippers) or a flexible yet thick rubber based doormat. I cannot stress more on the broadness of the weapon. The larger the area, the better your chances of nailing it. Pun intended.

4. Get an extra pair of eyes. If you think you can handle the rat alone, you're blind. Rats have a knack of finding out all areas lying outside your Line of Sight. Go alone and point 1. will hit you in your face. Hard. Not fast. But much later. By which time your enemy would have exhausted all your stored food in the kitchen.

5. Avoid kitchens. Rats are the kings of kitchens. Nay, they are the Emperors. It is simply impossible to track down a rat in the countless cabinets, that you will be so sure are not required, and hence resistance is futile. You might as well go back to your living room, pretend to watch an Ekta Kapoor soap while slyly watching the kitchen door hoping that the infidel will reemerge. Whence upon you can use Point 2.

6. Throw high pitched yelling women out of the house before you start the hunt. This is for their own good. Your frustration after they have warned the rat of your approach everytime might make you go after them instead.

7. There is no hole small enough for the bastard. Trust me. If you think it couldn't have possibly escaped through the tiny space between the door and the floor, remember that possibility is impossibly and improbably infinite in the insane world of ratdom. For details, refer point 1.

8. Think like a rat. "If I were a small flexible superfast creature running from a Chappal wielding maniacal monster, where would I hide?".
This last tip I haven't used yet. Didn't have to.

Alright then. Hope I have armed you with enough tips to avenge that hole in your mattress last night.

Happy Hunting!

Thought of the day

Everybody has their moment of great opportunity in life.

If you happen to miss the one you care about, then everything else in life becomes eerily easy.

Mostly Harmless - Douglas Adams

Come back Smriti Irani!

But she won't. Burnt, battered, poisoned and "cancer"ed , she had withstood all mortal attacks to survive in Shantiniketan, but alas, Smriti Zubin Irani is no longer Tulsi Veerani (shit! it rhymes! ). She has been replaced. How? Plastic Surgery. Obviously.

One major flaw that the producers made was to assume that it's the character that people like and it doesn't matter who portrays it. After donning the role of Tulsi for 7 years there has been a very strong association between Smriti and Tulsi in the minds of its audience. Too strong for Gautami Kapoor to even come close. The fallout between Ekta and Smriti is going to cost Balaji Telefilms a lot in terms of TRP.

Why do I root for Smriti you ask? I hate Tulsi! She has represented everything I would never marry, beget or be begotten from. Baharati Nari?! Balls! Every time I go back home from work and see her on screen, it kind of gives me a sense of satisfaction that I can hate someone without a single iota of guilt. This hatred for Tulsi, subconsciously, had trickled down to Smriti Irani and hence I hated everything associated with her. Now that she is gone, where do I release my pent up hatred?

I hate you Smriti! Come back please!

Life becomes a very short story..

.. when images don't have the time for a thousand words. Words just don't come.

Which of The X-Men are you?

Wanted to be Wolverine :(. But Hey! The Ice is quite cool. :D

Fell on black days

A series of unfortunate events if you may call it. Starting with my discovery that I'm partially/mildly colour blind for no apparent fault of mine. Genetic 'defect'. Yeah. So I really can't paint those culture-offending paintings that were long pending on my itinerary of things to do to piss off the world. Most people don't get offended by offending paintings in bad colour combinations. I think so.

This was followed by my 'Relocation' at work. Someone in my company hit on this brilliant brainwave that moving a whole set of people from one side of the floor to the other would go a long way in enhancing the employee-manager reporting relationship. Although conspiracy theories have been floated hinting at some important folks being too lazy to walk a few extra meters to the other side as the actual reason, I have currently no evidence confirming to the same. But Shit Happens. So I move from a brilliantly concealing cubicle with a pillar blocking prying eyes from my Youtube/Stumble 2.0 activities to a place right in the line of fire/sight.

That's alright. Bad luck.

Then I lose my cellphone. That too at a time, like every other time, when I was completely dependent on its efficiency to connect me to higher altars of My Career Deciders. I lose it followed by it being stolen from wherever it was lost. And I do not have a back up of my contact list. No, I don't have a diary, screw you too. Hence ensued a string of curses hurled at my unknown phone thief more or less asking God to screw his future sex life and I told him that the Pun was intended. But my story doesn't end there. I was delighted that I can retain my number so I immediately get a new SIM card after blocking outgoing calls from my older one. But some incomprehensibly moronic orangutan from the Airtel customer service blocked my new SIM card too. Sounds familiar? I doubt.

More exciting things are in store I'm sure. Am currently practicing my enactment of 'THIS IS SPAARTAAAA!!!' scene upon an unsuspecting fellow around me for tension relieving purposes. Wish me luck.

I sure dont mind a change
But I fell on black days
How would I know
That this could be my fate.
--Soundgarden

new "Transformers" trailer

Here. Much better quality. Needs a lot of buffering.

The red and blue truck, I believe as most may recognize, is Optimus Prime.

And finally..

.. we're not alone.

Ghalib

Na tha kuchch to Khuda tha,
Kuchch na hota to Khuda hota
duboya mujhko hone ne,
Na hota main to kya hota ?

Huaa jab Gham se yoon behis
to Gham kya sar ke katne ka
na hota gar juda tan se
to zaanoon par dhara hota

Huee muddat ke Ghalib mar gaya
par yaad aata hai
wo har ek baat pe kehana,
ke yooN hota to kya hota ?

With all due respect, a humble attempt at translation:

God was when was nothing else,
when nothing else there would be God
Existence does drown me,
without me what else would be?

Grief does surprise me,
I grieve not my execution,
If not separated from my body,
my head would still lay on my knee.

It's been a while since Ghalib's passing
but is still remembered..
His words uttered, as often as he could,
"Had this not been, then what would?"

This was really hard. It's almost impossible to extract the beauty of a passage of one language into another.

The governing chain

Let Indians run the US government says Scott Adams on the Dilbert Blog. He explains why Indian corruption ethos are unlikely to penetrate the System thus:

People can't fix their own government because they have too much self-interest. You need an objective and less-easily-bribed foreigner to do the consulting no matter who you are.

I say, we in turn outsource our governance to Finland or something. (Communist Bloc would protest hard earned tax being given to the more expensive capitalist Americans.) Seriously, is there some law in the constitution which prevents the privatization of governance?

Hah!

So you all thought pilots are ace navigators and smart people who thread through asteroid like masses with ease saying "I'm a leaf on the wind. Watch how I soar." , eh?
Well, think again:

I do Not Love you

I do not love you - By Pablo Neruda

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms,
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers.
Thanks to your love a certain fragrance,
risen darkly from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride,
so I love you because I know no other way than this:
where "I" does not exist, nor "you,"
So close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
So close that your eyes close and I fall asleep.

I wonder why Neruda's poems never featured in any of our school text books. They were positively brilliant!

Democracy is a Farce.

Yes. Because in today's context, it is democracy that makes the state of Tamil Nadu swing both sides with a nullifying effect . I read Amit Verma's post on Democracy and Free Markets but I feel that such logic can be applied to all forms of government. It is democracy that forms a protective cocoon for hierarchical hegemony in Karnataka aka The Gowda Dynasty. Please don't mistake me for a communist, I strongly believe Socialism is the biggest lie man created to gain power.

But for now, I'd like to comment on Democracy.

It's by now very obvious why people would like to remain in politics. Power is addictive. It's the cause of 10 additional posts in the police force every year because the seniormost commissioner refuses to resign. Hence the chief objective of any person assuming this power would be to make sure that he keeps it. So instead of concentrating on his duties, he would be busy all through his tenure siphoning off enough to buy his way back in the next elections and drowning the opposition in scams. Most senior level misisters have enough money. If these people had the assurance that their power would remain for days to come, they probably would have concentrated more upon their duties. Although elections are supposed to be the actual deterrent for leaders to perform so that they don't lose their power, in a corrupt atmosphere, a public appraisal is the last thing on their mind. Revolutions only bring temporal imbalance in this power struggle only to replace a more corrupt power back in place. Dynasties are synonymous with complacence.

The solution? None. Giving powerful people unlimited power as against continuing the existing system would simply establish a Catch 22 situation. 'Cause power corrupts. So what can we do? Nothing. And it's not a big deal really. It's always been this way. That is why we shall ceaselessly write and blog about how were getting screwed without realizing that we've always been screwed. Since the age of the advent of society we've been screwed. So just shut the f**k up, stop protesting and get back to your desks 'cos you're screwed anyway.

Coming up (continued) - 300

From wiki:

In the Battle of Thermopylae of 480 BC, an alliance of Greek city-states fought the invading Persian army at the pass of Thermopylae in central Greece. Vastly outnumbered, the Greeks held back the enemy in one of the most famous last stands of history. A small force led by King Leonidas of Sparta blocked the only road through which the massive army of Xerxes I could pass. After three days of battle a local resident named Ephialtes betrayed the Greeks, revealing a mountain path that led behind the Greek lines. Dismissing the rest of the army, King Leonidas stayed behind with 300 Spartans and 700 Thespian volunteers. Though they knew it meant their own deaths, they held their position and secured the retreat of the other Greek forces. The Persians succeeded in taking the pass but sustained heavy losses, extremely disproportionate to those of the Greeks. The fierce resistance of the Spartan-led army offered Athens the invaluable time to prepare for a naval battle that would come to determine the outcome of the war.

Plenty of action expected from this one.


Not sure about the Indian release dates, but should be out in a month.

Coming Soon!

This is going to be One Good year! Especially if you are as big a fan as I am of the comic/pulp movie genre.


Ghost Rider - Trailer
Ghost Rider has always been one of the elusive comic book anti-heroes whose out-of-the-world features would make any movie maker run miles away. But the trailer looks promising and Nicholas Cage seems to fit into the role pretty well.




Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer - Trailer

I've never really been a Fantastic 4 fan and found the first installment to be rather boring. I guess the producers realized it too and roped in The most amazing planet hopper aka The Silver Surfer to add that extra sheen and I believe it's a mix that cannot fail. Check out the Human Torch chasing the Silver Surfer in the trailer. Good Times!


Spiderman 3 - Trailer
Venom + Sandman + Green Goblin + an already established mega million fan base, would undoubtedly make Spidey 3 the hottest thing to hit the screens this year. It's always good to see a movie exploring the idea of losing oneself to the dark side and the struggle within a Superhero. Which is exactly what this movie is about - The Battle Within.




Transformers - Trailer
Anyone who has grown up on the Transformers cartoon would still have that tank which folds into the evil Megatron. Director Michael Bay of 'Armageddon' fame will not let us down on this one. It would be interesting to observe the extent to which detail can be incorporated in such movies that require a tremendous amount of animation.





Grindhouse - Trailer
What happens when you bring together the Directors of 'Desperado' and 'Pulp Fiction' together? Pure unadulterated sleazy action witfest!!
This movie is actually made up of two stories: Death Proof and Planet Terror, one each by the maestros, Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino, each promising to bring back the grindhouse theater going experience of the 70s and 80s.


Now I know that not all of these may turn out to be as good as expected but I can't help being partial to them.. I guess we'll just have to wait and watch!

Companionship

It's hard to describe what I could have possibly done without music. When everything seems static and mundane, drifted and at most times lost, the melody has always played on. In my ears. In my head. In noisiest of crowds or the most chilling silence. I couldn't have survived the way I do everyday if it wasn't for music. I would have smiled a lot less. Laughed a lot less. Lost a lot more of calm. Lived a lot less.

The most important events in my life have a tune attached to them. Every time I hear that tune, I relive that age. It feels good. Things look down now. But even this will pass.. all on the strength of a song.

Update: With SP Jain results out today, my MBA aspirations are wiped out. So I'm singing:

So nobody ever told you baby
How it was gonna be
So what'll happen to you baby
Guess we'll have to wait and see

Well I still have one last straw left. A certain plan B. Guess we'll have to wait and see.

When I find out all the reasons
Maybe I'll find another way
Find another day
With all the changing seasons of my life
Maybe I'll get it right next time
An now that you've been broken down
Got your head out of the clouds
You're back down on the ground
And you don't talk so loud
An you don't walk so proud
Any more, and what for.

Estranged - G&R

Thought for the day

Speaking within the scope of moral and evolutionary sciences, aren't we the worst kind of animals to drink cow milk which, technically speaking, is the sole birthright of calves? I think it's a horrific exploitation of the natural resource of another species.

Meat eating is another thing. That comes in the realm of the Predator-Prey Cycle. You don't see orangutans milking elephants, do you?

Note: This thought came to me after an overdose of Amit Verma's posts on cows.

Prince Ali

All of you know I'm a humble guy but just FYI -

There are plenty of songs with my name such as:
Ya Ali Ya Ali, Mera Naam Hai Ali (AJUBA starring Amithab Bachchan)
Ya Ali (GANGSTER starring shiney Ahuja)
My Name is Ali( DHOOM2 featuring *choke* Uday Chopra)

But this one will always be my favourite -


And oh, the Sporting Legend of the Century celebrated his 65th birthday yesterday, so, sing along:

Make way for Prince Ali
Say hey! It's Prince Ali

Hey! Clear the way in the old Bazaar
Hey you!
Let us through!
It's a bright new star!
Oh Come!
Be the first on your block to meet his eye!

Make way!
Here he comes!
Ring bells! Bang the drums!
Are you gonna love this guy!

Prince Ali! Fabulous he!
Ali Ababwa
Genuflect, show some respect
Down on one knee!
Now, try your best to stay calm
Brush up your sunday salaam
The come and meet his spectacular coterie

Prince Ali!
Mighty is he!
Ali Ababwa
Strong as ten regular men, definitely!
He faced the galloping hordes
A hundred bad guys with swords
Who sent those goons to their lords?
Why, Prince Ali

He's got seventy-five golden camels
Purple peacocks
He's got fifty-three
When it comes to exotic-type mammals
Has he got a zoo?
I'm telling you, it's a world-class menagerie

Prince Ali! Handsome is he, Ali Ababwa
That physique! How can I speak
Weak at the knee
Well, get on out in that square
Adjust your veil and prepare
To gawk and grovel and stare at Prince Ali!

He's got ninety-five white Persian monkeys
(He's got the monkeys, let's see the monkeys)
And to view them he charges no fee
(He's generous, so generous)
He's got slaves, he's got servants and flunkies
(Proud to work for him)
They bow to his whim love serving him
They're just lousy with loyalty to Ali! Prince Ali!

Prince Ali!
Amorous he! Ali Ababwa
Heard your princess was a sight lovely to see
And that, good people, is why he got dolled up and dropped by
With sixty elephants, llamas galore
With his bears and lions
A brass band and more
With his forty fakirs, his cooks, his bakers
His birds that warble on key
Make way for prince Ali!

IPHONE

This is truly cutting edge! Someone buy me this PLEASE!!!

connected

Finally my home PC is networked! BSNL 2Mb/s rocks!!

Happy New year!

No resolutions. No great targets. Generally shitting in my pants 'cos I don't seem to have a 'plan B' in life. Scary huh?

Update:
Got pumped in CAT! :(
Still no plan B!