Thursday, December 25, 2008


Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Friday, December 12, 2008

They are a changin'

Yep. I'm late. Too much has happened at too many levels since the last time I posted anything serious and this time is not going to be different either. This is just to update you folks that I'm still live and kicking.

A lot of things are changing every instant as I stand at the threshold of being 25. Friends are getting married, others are splitting up. Careers are being built while many are still stagnating. Terror has mutated to a whole new nightmare level. Climatic conditions all over the world have reached a never seen before record. I am attempting hair growth on my head.

True. A lot has changed.

But plenty of it is still the same. The government still sucks. I still regret pursuing an MBA. Stairway to heaven sounds just as good. My mother is still hell bent on looking for a good ladki for me. Himesh Reshammiya still claims to be the best. I am still awesome.

So there. Those were the updates.

I'll leave you with a song I'm currently re-hooked to.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

I don't ..

And I'm liking it.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

A case to solve all cases

Lalbadshah is a 24 year old Happy-go-Lucky single male. He has been generally healthy all his life except for a few minor injuries and hails from the emerging metropolis called Bengaluru, erstwhile known as Bangalore. Population statistics and demographics of the city are available in Exhibit 1.

He has recently joined a premier management institute called Not-ABC Institute of Management located in the hinterlands of Uttar Pradesh in a scenic village called Prabandh Nagar. The Map of this village marked with the location of the college and local liquor stores named after the ubiquitous fraction, 3.4, is available as Exhibit 2.

Initially, Lalbadshah, henceforth referred to as L in the case, found the place quite charming. The facilities were good and the Mess was a drastic improvement as compared to the food available during his undergraduate days. The weather was not quite to his liking but he thought he could ‘handle’ it.

Soon, the days got longer, the classes more annoying the weather seemed out to take his life. A detailed description of the factors including shattered dreams, incompetent faculty and their motivation to shove articles up his orifices are mentioned in Exhibit X which unfortunately cannot be displayed here. L’s frustration levels grew at a rapid pace as he could neither comprehend why he was being taught the Network Layouts of computing used in the ancient roman empires nor could he understand what professors meant by increasing market elasticity, a term hitherto used only in the context of pyjamas and Nappi Pads.

He is now caught in the crossfire of handling Power and Politics as part of his role in the Student Council and his academic performance issues which continue to bog him down all the time. The stress has led to him being caught napping several times in class and a general sense of despondency in his otherwise cheerful demeanour. His friends complain that he is no longer as awesome as he used to be although there is still no competition even close in sight.

L has mapped his emotions on a scale ranging from “I need a nap” to “WTF am I doing here” and the corresponding graph has been presented in Exhibit 3. His mood is a consistent level of ‘Frustrated’. To add to his pathetic state, there is a general lack of presence by the fairer sex both in his college and his life. The only solace is the presence of a few sane friends who share his pain.

Advise L as to what his strategy to cope with his current crisis should be. Who is to blame? What should have been done and what can be done? Also, discuss what could be the driving factor for him to come up with this post when he has 2 long drawn company forms to fill and 3 quizzes to prepare for. Forms, quiz details and list of other not-so-important activities are not in any exhibit as the author does not think they deserve such undue importance.

PS: Exhibits will be exhibited shortly. Bear it.

Sunday, October 05, 2008

Random Rant

I hate
getting back
to being what I am
from being
what I could be.

PS: Cramped schedules forbid me to blog more often. Will resume soon enough.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Clarify what?

There is something eerily funny in how people have inquired about my views on the recent spate of bombings all over India. "How come you haven't written about all this? I thought you would." What's funnier is how some think they are being politically correct by saying, "All Muslims are not like this. But a majority, the moderate ones, keep silent and that is what's annoying." Earlier, you would have gotten replies from me that you want to hear. Not now.

Let's put it this way: Did you find this "moderate" Muslim dance in joy when these bombings took place? Did no Muslim die in the explosions at all? Do you find these same moderate Muslims defending what happened? I doubt. You only defend those you choose to represent.

I will not clarify what I stand for just because some arbit dick sitting on "intelligent" reports based on the oh-so-non-anonymous email claims says that I owe the nation an apology. I don't owe anyone an apology nor an explanation. Because I do not represent those responsible for these acts. I represent the Muslim Community in India and it has nothing to do with what these guys claim to do it for.

What I do have, is an opinion. My opinion, among other things, is that religion is a private affair. I will not intrude in your private affair and will not allow you to intrude into mine. My religion does not allow me to kill random innocent people on the road. Hence if someone follows the religion I follow, he will follow the same principle. Anyone who doesn't, clearly doesn't belong to my religion. Even if he was born into it. In my opinion, he cannot be stopped because he has no logic that can be appealed to.

My opinion is also that all civilisations that begin, must end. They will do it under several pretexts or contexts. And in phases. If it isn't meteors or the ice age, it's Race or the N-bomb. If it's religion and fuel today, it will be water and The Markets tomorrow. I believe that your question, or my opinion, is not above this cosmic agenda, rather, a part of it. We are not Gods. We are merely players. Shakespeare got that centuries ago. It's time you get it too.

Friday, September 05, 2008

Lalbadshah says..

Life screws you anyway. You can either fight back and call it a rape or lie back and wait for an orgasm.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Max Payne - The Movie

It's finally here. The game of nightmares that implemented the kickass concept of Bullet Time that 'The Matrix' used to its fullest, has arrived in its cinematic form. Though Mark Wahlberg's face doesn't quite match the sharp features of the original Sam Lake, the trailer looks promising. And yes, they have retained that haunting music we all love.


Friday, August 15, 2008

On Independence Day

We all know that WWE is staged. The wrestlers don't really wrestle, that they are just well built actors. Knowing this, and watching the live audience going mad on TV, you are either disgusted or plain amused. Right? I mean, how can they fall for such a hoax?

Now, lets talk about patriotism. Do you think you are proud of Abhinav Bindra who won the gold at the Olympics because you are patriotic? Or is that happy feeling just something you get by knowing that you belong to a country that has been placed at a slightly higher rank in a medal tally than it was 4 years ago and hence a symbol of higher power?

Lets go back a little. Countries were formed by rulers and people in power because they got a kick from being in control. Sure, obviously they had to be "nice" to their subjects else they would be overthrown by rebels. Hence, good governance was a way of avoiding losing power. The Indian border that we are so "patriotic" about is largely the extent to which the British and Moghuls could control a piece of land as a single entity and the rest by efforts of rajas, maharajas and other arbit empires to hold their ends together.

All these rulers all over the world at all times had one task at hand - To retain and grow in power. Hence they started building armies to conquer more. Now it takes more than just monetary benefits for a man to risk his life, hence they introduced the concept of patriotism. "Die for your motherland!", they said and people did die. Compare this to the WWE stage where they yell "Fight to the finish!", and the live audience goes mad in throes of fanatic orgasms. What's the difference?

What I'm coming at, is that patriotism is overrated. Symbols like flags, Independence days and National Anthems in movie theaters are just tools used to make us feel emotionally attached to the country and hence cloud our judgement about keeping the corrupt as our leaders and actually giving our lives for such an idea. The government is supposed to be a set of people we choose to take care of our roads, electricity, food, law and order and we pay them for their services in the form of taxes. Now these same people you hired, are asking you to stand up at home or stop on the road every time a song called the national anthem plays on the road when most of us don't even know meaning of this song.

Task for this year: sit back and carefully think from scratch and without any biases as to what is patriotism and to what extent is it a fraud emotion. What exactly do you mean by "Love your country"?

Note: I'm not asking you to hate your country. You will inevitably feel patriotic about things. That's the way it has always been and that's the way it will always be. I'm asking you to realise why you feel that way.

And oh, Happy Independace Day!

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Fraud Correlations

I have this thing for figuring out stuff which seemingly has a strong correlation but might not be causal after getting acquanted to Regression Analysis during my MBA. Some of them are:

- Bong and Mallu chicks are known to be hot. Both belong to commie states.

- AIDS has increased at a rapid rate in India and so has Karan Johar's financial reach.

- Random multiple bombings. Presence of IIMs in these cities.

- My departure from bangalore. Increase in female suicide rates in Bangalore.

Any more that you can think of? Do comment..

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Review - The Dark Knight

Why so serious?

I went. I watched. I was floored.

Never before has the conflict within Batman been depicted so starkly on the big screen. Never before has the Batpod looked cooler. Most importantly, never ever before has The Joker appeared scarier.

One has to admit that in spite of Christian Bale's freezing stare and the mind numbing action pieces, Heath Ledger as The Clown Prince of Crime takes the cake. His portrayal of the absolute unadulterated evil bordering on sheer brilliance is what leaves you shaken after the movie. It also leaves you sad that you would not be able to see more of him in the future movies.

The plot is rapid, barely giving you time to breath. It revolves around the emergence of The Joker as the kingpin of Gotham underground and that of Harvey Dent as the upright DA who stands by his principles till they leave him scarred for life.

This movie goes beyond the regular conflict of good and evil. It actually explores their coexistence. The joker at one point says, "You complete me" which I believe is true. I mean, admit it - apart from the Joker, none of the bat villians have really been upto the mark except Ras Al Ghul to a certain extent maybe. True good needs true evil to compliment it and that part has been best explained in this film. Kudos to Chris Nolan for pure genius and for taking this movie enterprise to a whole new level. Gonna be hard to beat this one.

The only setbacks in this movie are that the plot goes a bit too fast sometimes to get a grip of, and is perhaps a tad bit too long.

All said and done, this is clearly the best movie this season has had to offer this year. Go watch it.

Rating: 9/10

Sunday, July 13, 2008

I've Realised

.. that in an industrialised civilsation where you crib about rising fuel prices damaging your stock portfolio, an old man will still cycle you around Hazratganj in Lucknow at a constant rate of Rs. 20 only because you will not pay him more.

.. that some people try really hard. They sometimes even get what they tried for. But I will never know whether I despise them for trying or for actually getting it.

.. that managers can survive by only impressing or die trying. All the highs of your life are reduced to bullet points on your CV.

.. that a desert cooler is nothing but a big fan with water droplets being sprinkled from behind.

.. that sometimes the annoying pestering of your parents is all you want and need.

.. that somehow hostel life as a 24 year old is simply not the same as compared to when you were 19.

.. that I've left clothes to soak in the bucket for more than a day.. and they don't smell too good.

.. that come what may, we'll always be L.

Sunday, June 29, 2008


It's 02:02:00 hours on a dark sunday morning. I'm in Lucknow sitting inside the computer center right after the Insti Party as it is called. Whew! Hadn't danced in a while, but had a blast! Not exactly inebriated but slightly high. It has been one heck of a week here. In fact, feels more like a month or so. The weather here sucks compared to Bangalore but getting used to it. Getting back to academic life hasn't been easy. Deadlines are always around the corner as you seek those elusive 4 to 5 hours of sleep per day. On the plus side, the campus simply rocks. I'm among some really smart people, so thats a good thing too.

I would be getting my laptop sometime towards the end of july after which I intend to resume regular blogging. If time permits that is.

Try not to miss me.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

The Cinema Ego Hammer

This often happens to me watching a certain sort of cinema. Let me know if you've felt the same:

You walk out during the interval in firm strides. You have, only minutes ago, witnessed a toned Brad Pitt kill a giant in a magnificent leap and yell "Is there anyone else?". Greek heroes and sword fights galore. Your adrenalin is on a high. Your muscles are tense as you walk towards the rest room. You are walking the walk. You feel like Achilles... Hell! You ARE Achilles.

You glide towards the door marked for Men like a hunting lion on the Serengeti. A quick step in and you face the mirror. You see yourself. Thats when it hits you. It's hard, it's fast and it's painful. It's reality. You face it in the only way 12 years of schooling can teach you. You sprint towards the pot.

You stagger out after an unsatisfactory leak, stumbling towards your seat awkwardly with popcorn in both hands. Your female friends, screaming, :"Awww! Sooo Cuuuute!!" at every half a second, aren't helping either.

That's when you lose it and say, "Brad Pitt is f**king gay!".

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Prime Reasons

These are snippets of actual conversations I've had in the recent past:

Old magazine shop owner I've known since my school days: Hey Ali! Long time buddy.. you've grown up and all.. nice to see you. How come you've shaved your head?
Me (With a sheepish grin) : Er.. to beat the heat.
Him: You're losing hair, aren't you?
Me: Yes.
Him: Get married while you still have most of it left. Otherwise... (trails off)
Me (Silently): F**k.

Aunt who I met a few days ago: Ali, this some new style?
Me: Yes.
Aunt: Hmm.. losing hair?
Me: Yes.
Aunt: How old are you?
Me: 24
Aunt: Oh.. you look 27 or something.
Me: F**k.
Aunt: You should get married you know. Otherwise...

Mom: You should get married you know.
Me: Yeah. Let me guess. Because I'm balding?
Mom(Fake stunned look): Obviously not! Girls don't look at such things.
Me: Yeah. Obviously not.
Mom: I just want to hand over all responsibilities and rest now.
Me: I'll get you a full time maid.
Mom stares.
Me: F**k.

Bald neighbourhood loser: Hey Ali! Cool look yaar!
Me: F**k.

Anyway, it basically boils down to this - People want me to get married not because I'm single, not because I'm eligible, but only because I might have a clean patch in a few years or because my mom needs someone to do the dishes. Awesome, no?

Sunday, May 11, 2008

L'ed again

For those of you who haven't heard, I've secured admission into Indian Institute of Management, Lucknow known to many as IIM he(L)l or simply L. After 4 CAT attempts and of all the varied combinations of letters of the alphabet, it had to be this. Obviously the L club launched 6 years ago was prophetic in its formation. Known for its nightmarish course and an equally appalling sex ratio, this is one of those 'screaming L' landmarks of my life. I should get the letter tattooed. Suggestions for a strategic location for the same are not welcome.

Still, I look forward to the legendary Tundae Kabab and Lucknowi Biryani. Also a chance to redeem my Urdu. Nahin is definitely more delicate than Nakko.

Earlier, I was contemplating taking up this college called AIM, Manila . Pretty reputed in Asia. But then, figured that if, in the long run, I plan to stay here in India, L was a better brand to stick to. Besides, parents and sisters were overly concerned over the promiscuity levels in Philippines. Yeah. Same "ladka haath se chala jayega" line. Sigh. That was gonna be my first international visit. Damn. L'ed again.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

The Pig

This is one very chilling poem put forth in a delightful manner.

In England once there lived a big
And wonderfully clever pig.
To everybody it was plain
That Piggy had a massive brain.
He worked out sums inside his head,
There was no book he hadn't read.
He knew what made an airplane fly,
He knew how engines worked and why.
He knew all this, but in the end
One question drove him round the bend:
He simply couldn't puzzle out
What LIFE was really all about.
What was the reason for his birth?
Why was he placed upon this earth?
His giant brain went round and round.
Alas, no answer could be found.
Till suddenly one wondrous night.
All in a flash he saw the light.
He jumped up like a ballet dancer
And yelled, "By gum, I've got the answer!"
"They want my bacon slice by slice
"To sell at a tremendous price!
"They want my tender juicy chops
"To put in all the butcher's shops!
"They want my pork to make a roast
"And that's the part'll cost the most!
"They want my sausages in strings!
"They even want my chitterlings!
"The butcher's shop! The carving knife!
"That is the reason for my life!"
Such thoughts as these are not designed
To give a pig great piece of mind.
Next morning, in comes Farmer Bland,
A pail of pigswill in his hand,
And piggy with a mighty roar,
Bashes the farmer to the floor…
Now comes the rather grizzly bit
So let's not make too much of it,
Except that you must understand
That Piggy did eat Farmer Bland,
He ate him up from head to toe,
Chewing the pieces nice and slow.
It took an hour to reach the feet,
Because there was so much to eat,
And when he finished, Pig, of course,
Felt absolutely no remorse.
Slowly he scratched his brainy head
And with a little smile he said,
"I had a fairly powerful hunch
"That he might have me for his lunch.
"And so, because I feared the worst,
"I thought I'd better eat him first."

- Roald Dahl

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

The Matrix and why we need a calamity

The idea that The Matrix is real and we are all trapped by it is highly appealing to me. Not because I have a particular liking to be controlled, but because the very concept of the existence of The Matrix allows me to believe that I can escape reality as I see it. My own rabbit hole as Morpheus would like to put it.

Why? Because too many rules and restrictions to choice cause the descent of organised chaos. I like chaos that is simply just that, chaos. Purely unpredictable and unadulterated by any solid system. If there is a system, it establishes hierarchy and eliminates a level playing field. Which leads to job sites, career consultants, auditors and ministers. Eliminate the established system and lets play it according to Darwinian laws. Sure, undoubtedly another system will come into place which will also need elimination at some point. But thats the point of evolution isn't it?

And how do we eliminate the system? Earthquakes, Tsunamis, Meteor strikes, AIDS, Bloody Revolutions and Television. After all, that's what computer programs are for anyway.

Pardon the mood. Shit is happening.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Job Prospects

Check out these statistics (Screenshot included below).

Er.. Why MBA?

Monday, April 21, 2008

More Eclectica

Watched 'The Spiderwick Chronicles' yesterday. Was very impressive and there is never a dull moment. Fantastic creatures galore. Ideal Popcorn movie stuff and not just for children. Watch.

Watched the IPL opening ceremony and the first match. Was very impressive with never a dull moment. Hot Chicks galore. Ideal popcorn stuff though not recommended for children. Watch more.

On an aside, I'm serving my notice period at work. Feels good. I'm high on Collective Soul. Shine.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Random Rhetorical Question 5

Is there a better contribution of Britain to the global community than the word 'Bollocks'?

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Everybody Knows

I listen to this song everytime I need a hard dose of reality. You should too.

Everybody Knows - Leonard Cohen

Everybody knows that the dice are loaded
Everybody rolls with their fingers crossed
Everybody knows that the war is over
Everybody knows the good guys lost
Everybody knows the fight was fixed
The poor stay poor, the rich get rich
Thats how it goes
Everybody knows

Everybody knows that the boat is leaking
Everybody knows that the captain lied
Everybody got this broken feeling
Like their father or their dog just died

Everybody talking to their pockets
Everybody wants a box of chocolates
And a long stem rose
Everybody knows

Everybody knows that you love me baby
Everybody knows that you really do
Everybody knows that you've been faithful
Ah give or take a night or two
Everybody knows you've been discreet
But there were so many people you just had to meet
Without your clothes
And everybody knows

Everybody knows, everybody knows
Thats how it goes
Everybody knows

Everybody knows, everybody knows
Thats how it goes
Everybody knows

Everybody knows that Jesus was born
in Bethlehem without a single dime
Everybody knows that the homeless people
Could be themselves some other time
Everybody knows the deal is rotten
Old Black Joe's still pickin cotton
For your ribbons and bows
And everybody knows

And everybody knows that the plague is coming
Everybody knows that its moving fast
Everybody knows that the naked man and woman
Are just a shining artifact of the past
Everybody knows the scene is dead
But theres gonna be a meter on your bed
That will disclose
What everybody knows

And everybody knows that you're in trouble
Everybody knows what you've been through
From the bloody cross on top of calvary
To the beach of Malibu
Everybody knows its coming apart
Take one last look at this sacred heart
Before it blows
And everybody knows

Everybody knows, everybody knows
Thats how it goes
Everybody knows

Oh everybody knows, everybody knows
Thats how it goes
Everybody knows

Everybody knows

Saturday, March 22, 2008

How to be a great Consoler

Remember the last time your friend confessed to ODing on Viagra and you didn't know what to say? Or maybe your loss of words when your neighbour's dog died (which you killed). It happens to all of us. I intend to convince you today that "I don't know what to say" is not the only option.

First and foremost: Avoid cliches. Nothing sucks as much as saying "I'm sorry for you/your loss" when you don't mean it 9 out of 10 times. You need to upgrade or innovate. For ease of explanation we'll call the person in need of consolation as the Subject and the event that has pained him/her to be the Event.

Upgrade to 'Shit Happens'.
"Shit Happens" is a beautiful and concise explanation for pretty much everything that can go wrong in your life with a flavour of attitude. It is Murphy's law on steroids. You can use it on almost all occasions to make the subject feel good about the general pain that everyone goes through. I use the word 'almost' because while 'Shit Happens' can indeed be a representation of hope for a person suffering from Irritable Bowel Syndrome, it might be slightly inappropriate to use it on this woman.

Give the subject some constructive advice. If your boss complains that his wife hasn't been too active in bed, you could chip in with, "Hmm... Try tying her up. She likes it."

PS : Never try to tell the person that things will get better. He/she knows it never will and it makes them even more depressed. Instead, agree with the subject that they are in deep shit, but so are you. There is nothing more comforting than to hear that people you considered to be better off than you so far, are actually leading lives as messed up or more than yours. All that bullshit you've heard in poems about spreading your joys with others is actually quite sadistic and does nothing more than rubbing in the fact that you're happier. Spread your sorrows. Because, in the end, we're all pretty f**ked up.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

I am Legend - Alternative ending

Although I liked the movie, the alternative ending in the DVD that was released makes much more sense. Makes the movie absolutely perfect:

Watch it :

Thursday, February 28, 2008


Been really busy for the last few weeks. Form filling, applications and interviews all leading to me joining the pitiful MBA rat race that I somehow cannot avoid for unknown reasons.

Finally went out on a trip with friends to Ooty. Was good fun. We visited Black Thunder close to Coimbatore on our way back. The place used to be the biggest water park in India earlier on but now half of it is defunct. Have heard that Wonder La in Bangalore is much better. Plan to visit in the near future.

Watched a few movies too - Shutter: a brilliant Korean horror movie that has a twisted ending, Stardust: Decent Fantasy movie based on the book by Neil Gaiman, and Om Shanti Om. This last movie did live up to my expectations. A complete popcorn movie with enough spoofing makes it even better than Main Hoon Na, although the last section is directly lifted from Madhumati. I particularly liked this dialogue:

Itni Shiddat se maine tumhen paane ki koshish ki hai,
Ki har zarre ne mujhe tumse milane ki saazish ki hai.
The original lines in English are from The Alchemist, but I never realised that it could be put in so beautifully in Urdu. Hats off to Javed Akhtar for that!

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Valentine Standoff

I had to submit a story for our college magazine more than 4 years ago about a phone call from Yamraaj. And on the eve of Valentine's Day, with all the love in the air that warms your senses while exiting your rear end, I thought I should share this with you folks. (PS : I was only19. I know the whole story looks juvenile now. Forgive and forget.)


It wasn’t exactly one of those beautiful days when the evening sun slowly sinks into the horizon leaving behind a golden sky for mortals to dream of immortality. No, it was another day. A day where the grass grows, cars move, some people fall in love, while others, simply die! It was the 14th of February, a Saturday. Sometimes I wonder as to why the sequel to ‘Friday the 13th’ wasn’t called ‘Saturday the 14th: Valentine returns’. Of course! It was Valentine’s Day! That’s right, the day when Cupid (or is it Aphrodite?) is god and love is a religion.

As many other lucky people on this day would do, I did go out on a date. It went well, quite well! After dinner, I took her to an ice cream parlour. And while I was leaving to take her to my place, to watch one of my favourite movies that I had rented, I looked up to the stars and thanked them for such a great evening , little knowing what their mischievous twinkling had in store for me.

The phone started to ring at around ten in the night, just about when the hero is to die after taking oaths of undying love from his wife. It is comical sometimes, the way the irony of fate hits you right in the face, at the right time. I picked up the phone. The drama that unfolded that moment is best described the way it should be, so here is how it went:

ME: Who is it?

VOICE: This is Yamraaj!

It is important to mention at this point about people who have told me that I had the voice of a god. Well, it seems they were right. He sounded just like me!

ME (alarmed): Are you sure?

YAMRAAJ: Is that a trick question?

ME:Where are you calling from?

YAMRAAJ (at least he sounded like yamraaj): Right outside your door.

YAMRAAJ: Why are you standing outside your own door?

ME: Not me, it was you who said that.

YAMRAAJ: Not me but someone else.

ME: But who…

VOICE: It was me, Cupid.

YAMRAAJ: How dare you call me stupid!

It is even more important at this point, to mention that probably all gods sounded the same! The cross connection with an added disturbance wasn’t helping too much.

ME: He didn’t call you stupid. His name is Cupid. Why did you call me? Are you here to take my life?

CUPID: Why do you think I would take your life? I am not evil. You have hurt my feelings!

ME: Oh no, I was talking to the god here.

CUPID: So you think that I am no god. This is an outrageous insult! I shall render thy seeds infertile!

YAMRAAJ: So, a mere mortal would like to challenge me?!!

ME: But that wasn’t me!

YAMRAAJ: Then who was it?

CUPID: It was me, Cupid?

ME: Will you please stop saying that?

YAMRAAJ: Will I please stop saying what?

CUPID: Come on, I don’t have all the time in the world!

YAMRAAJ: Neither do I.

ME: Me neither.

YAMRAAJ: Then why don’t you hang up and let the two of us talk!

ME: Hey, it was you who called me!

By this time I had lost track as to which god was who. What ensued turned out to be A Midsummer Night’s Nightmare!

‘I have come to tell you that you are not doing the right thing.’

‘This is a preposterous accusation!’

‘Taking advantage of a young woman is not right.’

‘But I was here for a man’s life!’

‘Hey I wasn’t going to do that.’

‘You don’t have to do anything to die. I’ll do it all for you.’

‘Die?!! This is unfair. Back up there, they told me that I was immortal! I knew they were tricking me!’

‘I am too young to die!’

‘I must take her away from you.’

‘I don’t think you get it. I take the souls away here.’

‘He is talking about my date, not my soul!’

‘Who is he?’

‘It was me, Cupid.’

‘For the last time young man, traveling on a bull doesn’t make me stupid! You are going to rot in Hell!’





‘It was me, Cupid.’

‘Nooooo!! Die, die you imbecile mortal! Your foolish pride hath incurred the wrath of the god of the dead! No more shall I suffer this ignominy. Your soul is now mine!!!’

My nerves, which couldn’t take any more of this, just managed to make me place the receiver back on hook before my mind slipped into unconsciousness.

The next morning I woke up looking into the worried face of my date who was up all night. Oh no, not with me. She was helping out Mrs. Batra, our neighbor next door, whose husband died of a gruesome heart attack while watching TV at home with his secretary last night. They say his heart simply stopped beating…at around ten in the night.


We had to submit a brief introduction about ourselves and this is what I submitted:

Mohammed Ali is a student of electronics and communication. True to the spirit of Final Year, he has pulled the necessary strings required to print an outrageous story in this revered magazine. He loves comics which represent true Indian culture like Nagraj and Shaaka. He derives inspiration from method actors like Smriti Irani of ‘Tulsi’ fame and aspires to woo a woman like her someday. Ali also possesses the uncanny ability of fooling you into believing he is ‘posh’ by rambling Tolkien quotes but that’s all he knows.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Do you feel lucky?

This is easily one of my favourite movie dialogues :
Movie: Dirty Harry

Inspector Harry Callahan (Clint Eastwood) :I know what you're thinking, punk. Did he fire six shots or only five? Well, to tell you the truth, I forgot myself in all this excitement. But being this a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world and would blow your head clean off, you can ask yourself a question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya punk?
And here's another equally good version of it.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

The L Club

It surprises me that this topic has never come up in any of my earlier posts. Anyway, better late than never.

Ladies, Gentlemen and Karan Johars, I am proud to publish details of the elite L club that I co-founded with my dear friend Funk on a humid night while preparing for my Digital Communication test the next day late into our 2nd year of engineering. Sometime in 2002 I think. It started just like how all great things on our good earth, such as see-through pantyhose, started.

We were discussing the futility of our lives and efforts because everytime we work hard to get something, dicks like my genetically and socially gifted roommate Mochi would surpass us with effortless ease. Be it academics or social interaction with the lot considered as an endangered species in our college, girls. We always ended up as the guys who, as I so often repeat, "haath ko aaya, mu na lagaya". So, we decided to stand for ourselves. To be proud of what was inherent to our nature. We discovered the inner Loser within us. Being the enterprising young men that we were, we didn't stop at this glorious moment of self discovery. We went ahead to found the most popular club in the history of sports entertainment. Ok, fine.. one of the most popular clubs in our college.

We immediately formed the ground rules for inclusion and code of conduct in The L Club:

1) You MUST be a loser. Achievers, please excuse.

2) The basis for you being a loser could range from absolutely no sensible reason to being the guy who gets 'Lets just be friends' from girls a lot.

3) Once included, you will propagate the ideals of the club by regularly spotting talent during your daily life and then showing an L by holding your index finger perpendicular to the ground and the thumb parallel to the ground. This L could be held out at a distance or formed over your forehead to show a sense of solidarity with the newly inducted loser.

4) When a prospective L has just been L'ed, you make sure he remembers that he has been L'ed. Rub it in.

5) Recruitment is not subject to the candidates willingness to be labeled L. If he refuses, he simply gets promoted.

6) Other than President and CEO (Funk and I), all positions are open and merit based. Positions are arbitrary and not specific to any organizational structure. But uber cool sounding positions like 'Jedi Master' or 'Ninja Master' are not in compliance with L policy.

7) If you are not sure that a person is a candidate, test him/her. Ask the candidate to ask you if you're a tree. When he does, say 'No'. Capture the reaction on his/her face followed by showing him the L. Spread the joy.

8) Although any member can recruit, all decisions made regarding recruitment or promotions by the President and CEO are binding. More so in case of the President because this is my blog and I'm the President.

We have classic celebrity examples: Vivek Oberoi, the could-be / would-be probable-ex-boyfriend of Aishwarya Rai; Jim Corr, who travels with three hot women who are all his sisters, is another classic example. A prime celebrity member is the late Ex-Minister Nagappa who escaped the clutches of the brigand Veerappan only to be shot dead by the Border Security Force who confused him for a member of the band.

As you can see, The L club has an open door policy, unlike some fraudulent uptight clubs that you might have heard of ("You do NOT talk about Fight Club!".. Jeez! Get a life.). You don't even have to apply. In fact, if you've wasted sufficient time to go through this in detail, you've been L'ed. Welcome my friend!

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Sci-Fi / Action / etc. Movies in 2008

A few that you may want to know about. As always, they might not turn out to be as good as presented, but don't we all just love trailers?

Teeth (May 2008):
Now, I know this sounds weird, but yes, horror movie creativity has apparently reached new heights (or depths) with this one. Why? Well, nothing out of the ordinary.. this movie just deals with a vag***a that bites. Yeah. I know. Ouch.
Trailer. IMDB.

10,000 BC (March 2008):
This movie about mammoths and what not with a proportionately impressive trailer and an indication of those mind numbing action movies that are classic popcorn stuff. The Independence Day types.
Trailer. IMDB.

Jumper (Feb 2008):
The Tagline of this movie is 'Anywhere is possible'. It's about a few guys who, well, jump from one place in the world to the next. Really fast. Again, the trailer is compelling. But I'm getting wary of Samuel L Jackson in his 'man-who-has-seen-the-world' roles like the one in Snakes in the Plane.
Trailer. IMDB.

21 (March 2008):
This one is apparently a true story about 6 MIT students who mastered the art of card counting to fleece Vegas casinos of millions. The Scamster movie genre, post Ocean's Eleven, is a huge favourite of mine. And I find the chick in this movie quite hot.
Trailer. IMDB.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (May 2008):
Ok, inspite of the weird-ass title, I'm still gonna watch this movie for the sake of the original series. Apparently Spielberg took such a long time for a sequel because he was looking for the right script. Ahem. Right. Anyway, might not be bad at all.
Trailer(Not yet available). IMDB.

Cloverfield (Jan 2008):
An over hyped trailer that's been doing the rounds on youtube where the monster has still not appeared anywhere has made this an internet urban legend. This one better be good. It has something to do with an extremely large monster attacking NY and the aftermath. Or something like that. Extremely confusing trailer as you will see.
Trailer. IMDB.

The Dark Knight (July 2008):
Ah, to end it grandly, the most anticipated movie of the year will undoubtedly leave you spellbound with characters like Joker looking immensely scary and brilliantly original. Add to it the presence of Christian Bale, who revived the Batman movie enterprise along with the talented Christopher Nolan and we have a winner. The bike looks too brilliant.
Trailer. IMDB.

And yes, there are others like yet another Rambo, some new Narnia movie and all that. BTW, what's with all these old guys and their sequels? Bruce Willis with Die Hard 4, Stallone with Rambo and Rocky, Harrison Ford and the Indiana Jones series.. and I even heard rumours about a new Terminator movie. A new kind of Viagra must have entered the market. Madness! But more on that later.