Thursday, June 28, 2007

How to kill a rat

Having recently murdered 4 rats at home in the span of 45 days, I believe I have gathered a crude form of expertise in the art of ending the miserable lives that these minuscule messengers of mayhem lead. This spree of rodenticide started due to a sudden surge in rat population in my neighbour's house following the migration of cats that used to hang around in the vicinity. Cats rock! I like lions. Do watch 'The Ghost and the Darkness'.

Anyways, here are some tips I have gathered thanks to my vast experience in handling rats (Yes. 4! How many you killed man?):

1. The rat is never where you think it is. In accordance with the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, the rat seems to have mastered the art of constant momentum and hence makes its presence in the most probable location infinitely improbable.

2. Open spaces. Rats hate open spaces. They're quite dumb. They just run from one end to another of open spaces with no aim in life. That's where they are most vulnerable.
That's where you kill them.

3. Arm yourself. No, a broomstick is a strict no no. The ideal weapon is a standard broad based size 8+ Hawai Chappal (rubber slippers) or a flexible yet thick rubber based doormat. I cannot stress more on the broadness of the weapon. The larger the area, the better your chances of nailing it. Pun intended.

4. Get an extra pair of eyes. If you think you can handle the rat alone, you're blind. Rats have a knack of finding out all areas lying outside your Line of Sight. Go alone and point 1. will hit you in your face. Hard. Not fast. But much later. By which time your enemy would have exhausted all your stored food in the kitchen.

5. Avoid kitchens. Rats are the kings of kitchens. Nay, they are the Emperors. It is simply impossible to track down a rat in the countless cabinets, that you will be so sure are not required, and hence resistance is futile. You might as well go back to your living room, pretend to watch an Ekta Kapoor soap while slyly watching the kitchen door hoping that the infidel will reemerge. Whence upon you can use Point 2.

6. Throw high pitched yelling women out of the house before you start the hunt. This is for their own good. Your frustration after they have warned the rat of your approach everytime might make you go after them instead.

7. There is no hole small enough for the bastard. Trust me. If you think it couldn't have possibly escaped through the tiny space between the door and the floor, remember that possibility is impossibly and improbably infinite in the insane world of ratdom. For details, refer point 1.

8. Think like a rat. "If I were a small flexible superfast creature running from a Chappal wielding maniacal monster, where would I hide?".
This last tip I haven't used yet. Didn't have to.

Alright then. Hope I have armed you with enough tips to avenge that hole in your mattress last night.

Happy Hunting!

13 comments:

Rajat said...

For (3), use those hard n dried broomsticks - very effective - I speak from my experience (as a rat killer of course :-)

Varun Sadana said...

Haha.. damn cool. and there is another problem, these fuckers in bangalore are so big, that had they been 1.2987 times what they are, and with #000000 colour, they would as well been mistaken for a rabbit. In our part of the country (sorry for the regional disparity) we have small ones, the ones which actually are like Jerry, the mouse, faster, but definitely less scary.

Safari Al said...

I think there is something wrog with the numbering. As far as my experience goes, 7 comes before 8 and after 6.


And, you could use a flame thrower instead!!! Yeah...burn that little bastard down!

Lalbadshah said...

@rajat: I had tried broomsticks and failed. They never seem to hurt rats. Thats why I had to resort to Sandals.

@Varun: Dude! wtf! Regional disparity even in rats?? You should become a politician! :D

@subbu: Thanks for the correction da.

Flame throwers are slightly expensive. Else it was on the top of my list of weapons to use.

Mrinalini said...

What fun! And not all women shriek.

Hershey Desai said...

lol...
I just killed one rat so far..
cats rock..
lions are lame...go for tigers

loved all your points...you seem to be an expert in killing rats...

Well, if ever I have a rat problem..I know who to call now...*insert ghostbusters music here..replace word "ghost" with "rat"*

Lalbadshah said...

@mrinalini: Most do.

@hershey desai: I still root for lions.
'RatBuster' ? Not sure I'd want to live with that.

Hershey Desai said...

rathunter?
ratassassin?
can't think of more names at the moment

dodo said...

I drove out four rats from my home, and it was hell( in principle, I am opposed to killing)!

And I tell you, it is much tougher to get the rats out of the kitchen then drive them all the way through living room, than killing them. Add to it, the numerous gadgets in a household in a matchbox size mumbai flat.

In the process, I broke a priceless sculpture that took 4 months to make!! sigh....

The Comic Project said...

We seem to be bothered by similar topics but just a few days apart - http://thecomicproject.blogspot.com/2007/07/tcpip-mouse.html

Prog Power said...

LOL! Praise organic search results! Good post, tar(rat)minator! ;)

zhimit~~/karoshi/~~ said...

nice ideas..lol...jus discovered the MF*** in my house.....is dere any alt way to get rid of them....somethin else taht wud do the dirty job....??

Anonymous said...

I used a rat trap and got one he was big as a cat,now the mate is here causing meyham, jumpin all about in the ktichen.I put a hot dog on the floor n 10 seconds later it was gone now the bitch all over the place like a lunitic.this ones i seen is as big as a lion!!!we have hardwood floors and i can hear when he jumps..kill,kill,kill