Dumb Fuckers

This is an open letter to all the UK/Scotland terrorists and their ilk:

Dumb fuckers!! WTF were you thinking? Sardar shabashi dega?? That you'll go straight to heaven?? Man! Not only did you fuck yourselves, you've got the eternal curse from every foreign visa aspiring Muslim who actually wants to do well in life. And just when I was beginning to realise that as Indian Muslims, we are doing pretty well upholding our credentials as peaceful folk, you had to go and fuck it all up!! You imbeciles don't even know what Jihad means.. wait.. I think you used the Oxford dictionary for the meaning. You see, the Oxford dictionary is for the meaning of words like 'cricket'.. 'Jihad' is not even an English word! Go frikkin read the Quran to know what jihad is first before defaming your religion so.. idiots! Jihad is not a war against non-believers, it is the act of fighting back when your religious rights are oppressed beyond tolerance.

See here for an excellent explanation of what Jihad means.

You weren't part of the armies attacked by the crusaders. You weren't in Iraq where your family would have been blown to pudding. You weren't in Lebanon where you wouldn't know if your roof would be torn apart the next second. Heck you weren't even in the country that banned Headscarves! You had everything going for you.. I mean wife, kids, parents, well to do families.. you bastards threw it all away! And for what?

Go hang yourselves!

PS: I know I had promised here and here that I would refrain from commenting on Religion. But as Al Pacino says, "Just when I want to walk out, they pull me back in!"

PS2: Comments are welcome as long as they come within the scope of a healthy arguments. Death threats will be deleted for obvious reasons.

PS3: Remember, I condemn attacks on innocents. Does not mean I'm not a Muslim. Duh.

How to kill a rat

Having recently murdered 4 rats at home in the span of 45 days, I believe I have gathered a crude form of expertise in the art of ending the miserable lives that these minuscule messengers of mayhem lead. This spree of rodenticide started due to a sudden surge in rat population in my neighbour's house following the migration of cats that used to hang around in the vicinity. Cats rock! I like lions. Do watch 'The Ghost and the Darkness'.

Anyways, here are some tips I have gathered thanks to my vast experience in handling rats (Yes. 4! How many you killed man?):

1. The rat is never where you think it is. In accordance with the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, the rat seems to have mastered the art of constant momentum and hence makes its presence in the most probable location infinitely improbable.

2. Open spaces. Rats hate open spaces. They're quite dumb. They just run from one end to another of open spaces with no aim in life. That's where they are most vulnerable.
That's where you kill them.

3. Arm yourself. No, a broomstick is a strict no no. The ideal weapon is a standard broad based size 8+ Hawai Chappal (rubber slippers) or a flexible yet thick rubber based doormat. I cannot stress more on the broadness of the weapon. The larger the area, the better your chances of nailing it. Pun intended.

4. Get an extra pair of eyes. If you think you can handle the rat alone, you're blind. Rats have a knack of finding out all areas lying outside your Line of Sight. Go alone and point 1. will hit you in your face. Hard. Not fast. But much later. By which time your enemy would have exhausted all your stored food in the kitchen.

5. Avoid kitchens. Rats are the kings of kitchens. Nay, they are the Emperors. It is simply impossible to track down a rat in the countless cabinets, that you will be so sure are not required, and hence resistance is futile. You might as well go back to your living room, pretend to watch an Ekta Kapoor soap while slyly watching the kitchen door hoping that the infidel will reemerge. Whence upon you can use Point 2.

6. Throw high pitched yelling women out of the house before you start the hunt. This is for their own good. Your frustration after they have warned the rat of your approach everytime might make you go after them instead.

7. There is no hole small enough for the bastard. Trust me. If you think it couldn't have possibly escaped through the tiny space between the door and the floor, remember that possibility is impossibly and improbably infinite in the insane world of ratdom. For details, refer point 1.

8. Think like a rat. "If I were a small flexible superfast creature running from a Chappal wielding maniacal monster, where would I hide?".
This last tip I haven't used yet. Didn't have to.

Alright then. Hope I have armed you with enough tips to avenge that hole in your mattress last night.

Happy Hunting!

Thought of the day

Everybody has their moment of great opportunity in life.

If you happen to miss the one you care about, then everything else in life becomes eerily easy.

Mostly Harmless - Douglas Adams

Come back Smriti Irani!

But she won't. Burnt, battered, poisoned and "cancer"ed , she had withstood all mortal attacks to survive in Shantiniketan, but alas, Smriti Zubin Irani is no longer Tulsi Veerani (shit! it rhymes! ). She has been replaced. How? Plastic Surgery. Obviously.

One major flaw that the producers made was to assume that it's the character that people like and it doesn't matter who portrays it. After donning the role of Tulsi for 7 years there has been a very strong association between Smriti and Tulsi in the minds of its audience. Too strong for Gautami Kapoor to even come close. The fallout between Ekta and Smriti is going to cost Balaji Telefilms a lot in terms of TRP.

Why do I root for Smriti you ask? I hate Tulsi! She has represented everything I would never marry, beget or be begotten from. Baharati Nari?! Balls! Every time I go back home from work and see her on screen, it kind of gives me a sense of satisfaction that I can hate someone without a single iota of guilt. This hatred for Tulsi, subconsciously, had trickled down to Smriti Irani and hence I hated everything associated with her. Now that she is gone, where do I release my pent up hatred?

I hate you Smriti! Come back please!

Life becomes a very short story..

.. when images don't have the time for a thousand words. Words just don't come.

Which of The X-Men are you?

Wanted to be Wolverine :(. But Hey! The Ice is quite cool. :D