Sunday, May 18, 2008

Prime Reasons

These are snippets of actual conversations I've had in the recent past:

Old magazine shop owner I've known since my school days: Hey Ali! Long time buddy.. you've grown up and all.. nice to see you. How come you've shaved your head?
Me (With a sheepish grin) : Er.. to beat the heat.
Him: You're losing hair, aren't you?
Me: Yes.
Him: Get married while you still have most of it left. Otherwise... (trails off)
Me (Silently): F**k.

Aunt who I met a few days ago: Ali, this some new style?
Me: Yes.
Aunt: Hmm.. losing hair?
Me: Yes.
Aunt: How old are you?
Me: 24
Aunt: Oh.. you look 27 or something.
Me: F**k.
Aunt: You should get married you know. Otherwise...

Mom: You should get married you know.
Me: Yeah. Let me guess. Because I'm balding?
Mom(Fake stunned look): Obviously not! Girls don't look at such things.
Me: Yeah. Obviously not.
Mom: I just want to hand over all responsibilities and rest now.
Me: I'll get you a full time maid.
Mom stares.
Me: F**k.

Bald neighbourhood loser: Hey Ali! Cool look yaar!
Me: F**k.

Anyway, it basically boils down to this - People want me to get married not because I'm single, not because I'm eligible, but only because I might have a clean patch in a few years or because my mom needs someone to do the dishes. Awesome, no?

Sunday, May 11, 2008

L'ed again

For those of you who haven't heard, I've secured admission into Indian Institute of Management, Lucknow known to many as IIM he(L)l or simply L. After 4 CAT attempts and of all the varied combinations of letters of the alphabet, it had to be this. Obviously the L club launched 6 years ago was prophetic in its formation. Known for its nightmarish course and an equally appalling sex ratio, this is one of those 'screaming L' landmarks of my life. I should get the letter tattooed. Suggestions for a strategic location for the same are not welcome.

Still, I look forward to the legendary Tundae Kabab and Lucknowi Biryani. Also a chance to redeem my Urdu. Nahin is definitely more delicate than Nakko.

Earlier, I was contemplating taking up this college called AIM, Manila . Pretty reputed in Asia. But then, figured that if, in the long run, I plan to stay here in India, L was a better brand to stick to. Besides, parents and sisters were overly concerned over the promiscuity levels in Philippines. Yeah. Same "ladka haath se chala jayega" line. Sigh. That was gonna be my first international visit. Damn. L'ed again.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

The Pig

This is one very chilling poem put forth in a delightful manner.

In England once there lived a big
And wonderfully clever pig.
To everybody it was plain
That Piggy had a massive brain.
He worked out sums inside his head,
There was no book he hadn't read.
He knew what made an airplane fly,
He knew how engines worked and why.
He knew all this, but in the end
One question drove him round the bend:
He simply couldn't puzzle out
What LIFE was really all about.
What was the reason for his birth?
Why was he placed upon this earth?
His giant brain went round and round.
Alas, no answer could be found.
Till suddenly one wondrous night.
All in a flash he saw the light.
He jumped up like a ballet dancer
And yelled, "By gum, I've got the answer!"
"They want my bacon slice by slice
"To sell at a tremendous price!
"They want my tender juicy chops
"To put in all the butcher's shops!
"They want my pork to make a roast
"And that's the part'll cost the most!
"They want my sausages in strings!
"They even want my chitterlings!
"The butcher's shop! The carving knife!
"That is the reason for my life!"
Such thoughts as these are not designed
To give a pig great piece of mind.
Next morning, in comes Farmer Bland,
A pail of pigswill in his hand,
And piggy with a mighty roar,
Bashes the farmer to the floor…
Now comes the rather grizzly bit
So let's not make too much of it,
Except that you must understand
That Piggy did eat Farmer Bland,
He ate him up from head to toe,
Chewing the pieces nice and slow.
It took an hour to reach the feet,
Because there was so much to eat,
And when he finished, Pig, of course,
Felt absolutely no remorse.
Slowly he scratched his brainy head
And with a little smile he said,
"I had a fairly powerful hunch
"That he might have me for his lunch.
"And so, because I feared the worst,
"I thought I'd better eat him first."

- Roald Dahl