For the worse..

The past year hasn't been easy. I was back in India in April and by now, I have already asked myself several times as to how good an idea it was. To strive and to have educated myself to be ahead of the curve.

The future seems more bleak. Corruption, rapes and Climatic changes seem to be staring in your face with no remorse. The wrong are seen as right and the right - they just watch. Assholes are bosses and sycophants follow on. Our government seems more shameless than ever, but no country on earth can claim to be clean anyway. People are more pretentious these days than they are plain stupid. Noone has a healthy life anymore.

5 years ago, if someone had asked me "whats up?", I would have a list of things to talk about, none of them concerning my employment. But today, working 6 days a week, I have nothing else but to say that work is hectic and how I have no time for anything else. My body screams for rest on Sundays. I haven't played any physical sport in the last one year nor have I blogged.

I don't know if growing up has made me bitter or the world has indeed morphed so rapidly into an ugly monster. What I do know is that I am bitter and I am no longer the same guy who posted on this blog almost 7-8 years ago. I want to be, but I am unable to type anything but complaints. I truly hope to god that this is a phase that will pass.

Middlers

My learnings from the last three months that I have spent in Africa and the feedback from some of my friends from college who are pursuing a career in the west, have established one thing: Indians have no established identity on a global scale. I am not saying that it's a bad thing necessarily, but the facts remain.

Who are we? We're not blacks, nor whites. We do not speak the same language. Face it, for the amount of hoolah that we guys make about 'culture' and 'tradition', we hardly know them, stand for them. We have no single stand on anything for that matter. We aren't communisits nor are we right wingers. We aren't even as neutral as the Swiss. We have no globally important contribution to science. And get over the whole 'we discovered zero', guys! That was centuries ago! We don't even have a patent for it. Pisses me off when someone shows off this trivia.

We have no great atheletes and excell at all the laziest games like snooker, chess and cricket. We go crazy about Pankaj Advani when the rest of the world doesn't give a shit about it. And I'm telling you, wait till some countries pursue snooker seriously and we'll be replaced there too, like we have been in hockey. We are neither the developed world, nor do we need foreign aid.

Ask a chinese guy what he thinks of Indians, and picture the answer he might give. There will be a lot of 'hmmm'.. or 'that depends'. Whereas we would hardly wait before yelping 'COMMIES!' or 'slit eyed' at them.. among other things. Sure, we all know they work real hard too. I'm thinking hard to figure out what is it that the world associates with us, correctly, that is. I'm not talking about snake charmers and call centre guys. Are we really relegated to the role of 'middlers'?

Juice

You know you're down and out when you google for inspirational quotes.

PS: They don't work.

Delhi - From the eyes of a Southie

Extravagance redefined.

Jaggery and other Urban Legends

The word of mouth , I have come to realize, is far too potent a tool. Consider history: most of it, as we know it today, has passed on through several mouths across generations. One can only begin to imagine the distortions it has gone through before finding the pen, ending up as folklore at best rather than hard facts.

Case in point being a recent discussion in my class where we were analyzing the ethical framework over which the book 'My Experiments with Truth' was based on. To stress on Gandhi's moral highness, our professor mentioned an anecdote about how Gandhi refused to give fundas to a kid on addiction to jaggery before he himself gave it up. Before I could add that coincidently, I knew the very same story except with Prophet Muhammed in place of Mahatma Gandhi, a fellow classmate countered saying that the story belonged to Guru Nanak and not Gandhi.

While it is still plausible that religions share a common set of values that are considered desirable in every person, and that such stories were possibly created to imbibe these values, it is scary to watch such stories creep into politics. In my opinion, Gandhi was one of the greatest leaders who with sharp acumen and the right strategies had led an entire nation to freedom from slavery. That act would suffice for me to title him the Father of the Nation. But the minute his character is given idealistic moral attributes, in an attempt to make him more than was, it leads to the creation of new deities and newer religions. Whether such a thing has already led to the existing religions is a matter of personal opinion. The life-is-a-bitch part of it is that current wars and beliefs are based on this very same history.

I do not think it would be an exaggeration to extrapolate the trend. Fifty years from now, it's possible that we hear the story of how Sachin refused to give Dhoni fundas in life till he himself stopped eating Jaggery.

Yeh CCD ka hota hai?

Bundled up on a cycle rickshaw, I watched the evening traffic choke up a relatively wide road in this place called Kadam Kuan. I was returning from a trip to rural Vaishali where I was stopped twice by "Party Workers" on bikes. They had asked me which party I belonged to since only party workers and politicians traveled using white cabs in villages during elections. I get off the cycle rickshaw paying him ten bucks for a kilometer and walk on towards a sleazy hotel I have rented out for two months at 175 a day. It reeks of cigarettes.

The waiter walks in without knocking. A regular feature in this place I notice. I ask if there are any good hotels around to eat and he rattles of names with descriptions that didn't really sound palatable. I asked if there were any Pizza joints or a McDonalds around to which he blinks blankly. "To koi coffee ki jagah hogi na Patna mein?", I ask to which he offers to provide coffee in the room itself. I plead again, "Yahaan koi Coffee Day ki dukaan nahin hai? CCD?". "Ye CCD ka hota hai?".

I settled for a cup of tea that he brought in, switched on the TV and lay on the bed while they buzzed about the latest campaign strategy. The bed is usually drenched with my sweat due to power cuts.

It's been more than a month now and little has changed. Except for three offers by the waiter so far: "Kauno aurat chahiye ka? Aap akele bejaar ho rahe honge.", and an offer by a strange girl to meet up in Delhi after a month for some 'romance' if I could only lend Rs. 10,000 to fund her purchase of a new cell phone now. She even claimed that she is from a family of IAS officers.

13 more days in Bihar and counting.

A case to solve all cases

Lalbadshah is a 24 year old Happy-go-Lucky single male. He has been generally healthy all his life except for a few minor injuries and hails from the emerging metropolis called Bengaluru, erstwhile known as Bangalore. Population statistics and demographics of the city are available in Exhibit 1.

He has recently joined a premier management institute called Not-ABC Institute of Management located in the hinterlands of Uttar Pradesh in a scenic village called Prabandh Nagar. The Map of this village marked with the location of the college and local liquor stores named after the ubiquitous fraction, 3.4, is available as Exhibit 2.

Initially, Lalbadshah, henceforth referred to as L in the case, found the place quite charming. The facilities were good and the Mess was a drastic improvement as compared to the food available during his undergraduate days. The weather was not quite to his liking but he thought he could ‘handle’ it.

Soon, the days got longer, the classes more annoying the weather seemed out to take his life. A detailed description of the factors including shattered dreams, incompetent faculty and their motivation to shove articles up his orifices are mentioned in Exhibit X which unfortunately cannot be displayed here. L’s frustration levels grew at a rapid pace as he could neither comprehend why he was being taught the Network Layouts of computing used in the ancient roman empires nor could he understand what professors meant by increasing market elasticity, a term hitherto used only in the context of pyjamas and Nappi Pads.

He is now caught in the crossfire of handling Power and Politics as part of his role in the Student Council and his academic performance issues which continue to bog him down all the time. The stress has led to him being caught napping several times in class and a general sense of despondency in his otherwise cheerful demeanour. His friends complain that he is no longer as awesome as he used to be although there is still no competition even close in sight.

L has mapped his emotions on a scale ranging from “I need a nap” to “WTF am I doing here” and the corresponding graph has been presented in Exhibit 3. His mood is a consistent level of ‘Frustrated’. To add to his pathetic state, there is a general lack of presence by the fairer sex both in his college and his life. The only solace is the presence of a few sane friends who share his pain.

Advise L as to what his strategy to cope with his current crisis should be. Who is to blame? What should have been done and what can be done? Also, discuss what could be the driving factor for him to come up with this post when he has 2 long drawn company forms to fill and 3 quizzes to prepare for. Forms, quiz details and list of other not-so-important activities are not in any exhibit as the author does not think they deserve such undue importance.

PS: Exhibits will be exhibited shortly. Bear it.

Random Rant

I hate
getting back
to being what I am
from being
what I could be.

----------------------------------------
PS: Cramped schedules forbid me to blog more often. Will resume soon enough.

Clarify what?

There is something eerily funny in how people have inquired about my views on the recent spate of bombings all over India. "How come you haven't written about all this? I thought you would." What's funnier is how some think they are being politically correct by saying, "All Muslims are not like this. But a majority, the moderate ones, keep silent and that is what's annoying." Earlier, you would have gotten replies from me that you want to hear. Not now.

Let's put it this way: Did you find this "moderate" Muslim dance in joy when these bombings took place? Did no Muslim die in the explosions at all? Do you find these same moderate Muslims defending what happened? I doubt. You only defend those you choose to represent.

I will not clarify what I stand for just because some arbit dick sitting on "intelligent" reports based on the oh-so-non-anonymous email claims says that I owe the nation an apology. I don't owe anyone an apology nor an explanation. Because I do not represent those responsible for these acts. I represent the Muslim Community in India and it has nothing to do with what these guys claim to do it for.

What I do have, is an opinion. My opinion, among other things, is that religion is a private affair. I will not intrude in your private affair and will not allow you to intrude into mine. My religion does not allow me to kill random innocent people on the road. Hence if someone follows the religion I follow, he will follow the same principle. Anyone who doesn't, clearly doesn't belong to my religion. Even if he was born into it. In my opinion, he cannot be stopped because he has no logic that can be appealed to.

My opinion is also that all civilisations that begin, must end. They will do it under several pretexts or contexts. And in phases. If it isn't meteors or the ice age, it's Race or the N-bomb. If it's religion and fuel today, it will be water and The Markets tomorrow. I believe that your question, or my opinion, is not above this cosmic agenda, rather, a part of it. We are not Gods. We are merely players. Shakespeare got that centuries ago. It's time you get it too.

Lalbadshah says..

Life screws you anyway. You can either fight back and call it a rape or lie back and wait for an orgasm.

I've Realised

.. that in an industrialised civilsation where you crib about rising fuel prices damaging your stock portfolio, an old man will still cycle you around Hazratganj in Lucknow at a constant rate of Rs. 20 only because you will not pay him more.

.. that some people try really hard. They sometimes even get what they tried for. But I will never know whether I despise them for trying or for actually getting it.

.. that managers can survive by only impressing or die trying. All the highs of your life are reduced to bullet points on your CV.

.. that a desert cooler is nothing but a big fan with water droplets being sprinkled from behind.

.. that sometimes the annoying pestering of your parents is all you want and need.

.. that somehow hostel life as a 24 year old is simply not the same as compared to when you were 19.

.. that I've left clothes to soak in the bucket for more than a day.. and they don't smell too good.

.. that come what may, we'll always be L.

Prime Reasons

These are snippets of actual conversations I've had in the recent past:

-----------------
Old magazine shop owner I've known since my school days: Hey Ali! Long time buddy.. you've grown up and all.. nice to see you. How come you've shaved your head?
Me (With a sheepish grin) : Er.. to beat the heat.
Him: You're losing hair, aren't you?
Me: Yes.
Him: Get married while you still have most of it left. Otherwise... (trails off)
Me (Silently): F**k.
--------------------

Aunt who I met a few days ago: Ali, this some new style?
Me: Yes.
Aunt: Hmm.. losing hair?
Me: Yes.
Aunt: How old are you?
Me: 24
Aunt: Oh.. you look 27 or something.
Me: F**k.
Aunt: You should get married you know. Otherwise...
-----------------

Mom: You should get married you know.
Me: Yeah. Let me guess. Because I'm balding?
Mom(Fake stunned look): Obviously not! Girls don't look at such things.
Me: Yeah. Obviously not.
Mom: I just want to hand over all responsibilities and rest now.
Me: I'll get you a full time maid.
Mom stares.
Me: F**k.
------------------

Bald neighbourhood loser: Hey Ali! Cool look yaar!
Me: F**k.
-----------------

Anyway, it basically boils down to this - People want me to get married not because I'm single, not because I'm eligible, but only because I might have a clean patch in a few years or because my mom needs someone to do the dishes. Awesome, no?

The Matrix and why we need a calamity

The idea that The Matrix is real and we are all trapped by it is highly appealing to me. Not because I have a particular liking to be controlled, but because the very concept of the existence of The Matrix allows me to believe that I can escape reality as I see it. My own rabbit hole as Morpheus would like to put it.

Why? Because too many rules and restrictions to choice cause the descent of organised chaos. I like chaos that is simply just that, chaos. Purely unpredictable and unadulterated by any solid system. If there is a system, it establishes hierarchy and eliminates a level playing field. Which leads to job sites, career consultants, auditors and ministers. Eliminate the established system and lets play it according to Darwinian laws. Sure, undoubtedly another system will come into place which will also need elimination at some point. But thats the point of evolution isn't it?

And how do we eliminate the system? Earthquakes, Tsunamis, Meteor strikes, AIDS, Bloody Revolutions and Television. After all, that's what computer programs are for anyway.

Pardon the mood. Shit is happening.

Angry Again

Yet another bout of what now seems to be an annual ritual of battling the beast called CAT has passed. Yet another situation which the great Crime Master Gogo would describe as: "Haath ko aaya, mu na lagaya" (Came to hand, didn't touch mouth). Yet again, I scream at myself for existing in a parallel universe where my "verbal ability" doesn't quite match up to the norms of the rest of this insufferable human populace.

As much as I am torn between different explanations for my itch to do this again and again, ranging from a yearning to play the lead role in the cage to grabbing a chance to make a quick buck, I take solace in the googletalk status message of my Zen fundae loaded friend :

"In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't fucking matter!"

Tell me it's true and I'll believe it.

Dullness

Many have mentioned that my posts have gotten real boring. I agree. I have this mental block that's stopping me from doing anything more than the banal.

I told a friend that I feel like I need a bungee jump. From a great height. I feel if the shock is great enough, I will dump all that pisses me off below at point 0 and swing back up free. Forgive me. A recovery attempt is on the cards, I promise you that. But for now, I really can't do much.


Wake me up when September ends.

Eclectica

Eagerly awaiting the release of these movies. That is, unless they all die a premature death as have most other ambitious Comic-to-Movie projects. Johnny Depp as Sweeney Todd would be most interesting.

Tickets for Transformers lie in my wallet. Tomorrow's show. Review will be posted. I promise.

I don't know how many of you have heard of 'The Wheel of Time' series. What with all the Harry Potter hype that tramples over the now fading glory of the LOTR series, this is a must read. It is quite obvious where J.K. Rowling gets her inspiration from and at the same time you cannot ignore the the influence of Tolkien's works in the series. The difference being, the plot is way more complex. The characters are much more detailed and a lot more human than in the other two series but yet never slow enough for you to take a break. I'm already into the second book in the series of 11 and counting. Start on it asap if you're a HP and LOTR fan.


I hear rumours in my office that we're all to soon shift from our current location, prime of Hosur road and 100 mts from Forum to Sarjapur road by next month. That makes my travel from home to work extend from 2kms to 10kms. Curse them bastards! There is a meeting now with a 'General' agenda where I will be told of this blasphemy. Officially. I wonder if they realize that almost every time we know whatever is to be announced in these meetings. Damn!

What I wanted

Hordes run down.
In multitudes they swarm.
But I, looked all the time
at the path less trodden.
Would be cool they said.
A bored programmer,
pummeling the skies in a 747.
0.8 mach. As fast as they get these days.
A strict medical test.
A mildly defective gene.
A hundred colour vision tests.
We're not so sure they said.
We know you're ok
but need substantial evidence.
Substantially evident assholes.
I'm not so disappointed I think
As long as you had a shot,
You've lived just that longer.
But it was your dream you tell me
Great people have said the same,
Follow your dreams.

In the end, perhaps I mixed up my dreams..
Maybe I didn't really want to be a pilot.
Maybe... Just maybe..
I simply wanted to fly.
Maybe someday I will.

For those of you who haven't heard, yes I tried to change professions. Went through a series of medical tests and discovered that I'm mildly colour blind. Genetic defect. It's still under accepted limits but this small thing is making me go mad conducting tests for senile Air Force doctors. Seems like I'm fighting a losing battle. It's still not over though and I really wonder why.

On Fleeting Fame and Misc.

It has been about 20 days since my controversial post propelled me to instant albeit temporal fame on the blogosphere. For statistics' sake you can see this. The small spike on 17th is about the average number of hits I get everytime I publish a new post while the numbers in the beginning are all due to hits from Indiauncut, Instapundit and several other blogs whom I thank profusely for helping spread the word about what exactly I, along with more than a million Indian Muslims, felt about everything.

The comments were varied. While most were supportive and appreciated my stand, quite a few were skeptical about the whole issue while others were just abusively stupid. And oh, I finally managed to get my first death threat after which I felt like someone really important and realized what a kick it is to know that there are people out there waiting to get to you. I'm serious! Although the original comment was deleted, here is what it said:

You should watch what you say. You may be next. Placing your selfish desires to live with the kufir over Islam could get you hurt.

As they call it in messaging parlance, I was ROTFL. Needless to say, the comment was anonymous and I didn't bother tracking the IP.

Anyway, what I really wanted to say is this: Fame is fleeting and that's a very good thing. A large number of people observing you can be nerve wrecking and I am not yet ready to write for an audience ( possibly a cliche often deployed by aspiring but unsuccessful authors). I still write for myself, a sort of a diary if you may call it. But on that day I will admit that I felt like Shilpa Shetty who shot to instant global fame post-BigBrother. One hit wonders like Rahul Roy and Kumar Gaurav could also be mentioned. What followed, as you can see in the graph, made me realise that you ride on a wave of popularity for a short while till it ebbs towards the shore leaving behind nothing but blurred lines on the sand along with a vague sense of familiarity. And when you return back to frivolity, the ripple yearns to rise again and possibly kiss Richard Gere only to lose itself in the ocean of other such ripples. Parveen Babi comes to mind. And so I say it once again:

Fame is fleeting and that's a very good thing.

But I'd hate to be a one hit wonder.

Come back Smriti Irani!

But she won't. Burnt, battered, poisoned and "cancer"ed , she had withstood all mortal attacks to survive in Shantiniketan, but alas, Smriti Zubin Irani is no longer Tulsi Veerani (shit! it rhymes! ). She has been replaced. How? Plastic Surgery. Obviously.

One major flaw that the producers made was to assume that it's the character that people like and it doesn't matter who portrays it. After donning the role of Tulsi for 7 years there has been a very strong association between Smriti and Tulsi in the minds of its audience. Too strong for Gautami Kapoor to even come close. The fallout between Ekta and Smriti is going to cost Balaji Telefilms a lot in terms of TRP.

Why do I root for Smriti you ask? I hate Tulsi! She has represented everything I would never marry, beget or be begotten from. Baharati Nari?! Balls! Every time I go back home from work and see her on screen, it kind of gives me a sense of satisfaction that I can hate someone without a single iota of guilt. This hatred for Tulsi, subconsciously, had trickled down to Smriti Irani and hence I hated everything associated with her. Now that she is gone, where do I release my pent up hatred?

I hate you Smriti! Come back please!

Fell on black days

A series of unfortunate events if you may call it. Starting with my discovery that I'm partially/mildly colour blind for no apparent fault of mine. Genetic 'defect'. Yeah. So I really can't paint those culture-offending paintings that were long pending on my itinerary of things to do to piss off the world. Most people don't get offended by offending paintings in bad colour combinations. I think so.

This was followed by my 'Relocation' at work. Someone in my company hit on this brilliant brainwave that moving a whole set of people from one side of the floor to the other would go a long way in enhancing the employee-manager reporting relationship. Although conspiracy theories have been floated hinting at some important folks being too lazy to walk a few extra meters to the other side as the actual reason, I have currently no evidence confirming to the same. But Shit Happens. So I move from a brilliantly concealing cubicle with a pillar blocking prying eyes from my Youtube/Stumble 2.0 activities to a place right in the line of fire/sight.

That's alright. Bad luck.

Then I lose my cellphone. That too at a time, like every other time, when I was completely dependent on its efficiency to connect me to higher altars of My Career Deciders. I lose it followed by it being stolen from wherever it was lost. And I do not have a back up of my contact list. No, I don't have a diary, screw you too. Hence ensued a string of curses hurled at my unknown phone thief more or less asking God to screw his future sex life and I told him that the Pun was intended. But my story doesn't end there. I was delighted that I can retain my number so I immediately get a new SIM card after blocking outgoing calls from my older one. But some incomprehensibly moronic orangutan from the Airtel customer service blocked my new SIM card too. Sounds familiar? I doubt.

More exciting things are in store I'm sure. Am currently practicing my enactment of 'THIS IS SPAARTAAAA!!!' scene upon an unsuspecting fellow around me for tension relieving purposes. Wish me luck.

I sure dont mind a change
But I fell on black days
How would I know
That this could be my fate.
--Soundgarden